The Somewhat Significant Awards 2010

Hello and welcome to the inaugural (and probably last and only ever) Somewhat Significant Awards. The basic format of this will be that I'll remember something from 2010 (which isn't a lot as I was drunk or working nights for most of it) and I'll attach a sarcastic award to it. These awards will cover literally anything that I can remember so will mainly be stuff that has happened in the last six-and-a-half minutes. Enjoy.


The Mighty Boosh Award for comedy series that may have overstayed it's welcome

Jointly awarded (I dunno we'll saw the trophy in half or summink) to Peep Show and The Inbetweeners. Peep Show appears to have run its course with season 7 with the writers struggling to make Mark and Jez's transformations into true adulthood really work or be funny. Meanwhile, The Inbetweeners slid from identifiable for many teenagers (the perfect antidote to the laughably outrageous Skins) to just simply being reliant on tall girls, protruding testicles and the word 'clunge' for laughs. Hi-larious.


Comedic Line of the Year

No real contest here, screw all your comedies and comedians. Step forward, Mr Joe Wilkes, Pugwash News' Sports Editor. Upon being presented with my Secret Santa present of a book on sportswriting and a condom, his response was: "Dan's got me a book to read and a condom which I'll probably just look at." Still makes me smile to this day.


The John Terry/Wayne Rooney award for making an entire sector of society look bad by association

The student that threw the fire extinguisher off the roof of Millbank, thus providing a defining image for the right-wing media to concentrate on and to focus attention away from the point of the protests by painting all protesters with the same tarred brush. All the arguments for and against raising tuition fees were instantly brushed under the rug. Thanks Edward Wollard, you great big tit. On a similar note, can the Socialist Workers Party please fuck right off rather than infiltrating popular protests to promote their rightly forlorn movement?


The Joseph Heller award for worst Catch-22 to be found in

The winner by a clear mile here, everyone's favourite lightening rod for Tory hate, Nick Clegg. Caught between the devil (Gordown Brown) and the deep blue sea (the Tory party) following the elections, Cleggy had to jump into bed with one of them and either way, in the words Kilroy, he was shafted. Side with Labour and then the second and third most popular parties in the election would win, go with Tories and you'd be joined at the hip with the party you have nothing in common with. Clegg went for the latter and went from being an Obama-lite figure to public enemy number one, no mean feat in just six months.


Mindfuck of the Year

From headachingly bizarre General Election graphics on all the news channels to every idiot's favourite film (me included), Inception, 2010 has certainly been a year for mindfucks. But perhaps the biggest one was the continuing TV appearances of Katie Price and Kerry Katona who have a grand total of three brain cells between them and are less likely to say something insightful than a cucumber with a face crudely drawn on it.


The Danyl Johnson award for X Factor contestant coming to a pub near you soon

Following Johnson's appearance at the Oakford Social Club in Reading (not as a singer mind, just a pubgoer) the next to befall this fate will probably be Wagner looking for a girl with a working vagina to woo with his creepy Brazilian technique or Katie who will continue her slow descent into a delusional madness coma by drinking lots and lots of Fruli beer before throwing up into her equally mad drinking partner's hair. This partner being Gillian McKeith.


Biggest Waste of an Half Hour

A close run thing this one, with E4's Phoneshop (which had all the laughs of a night spent with Gordon Brown discussing vinegar) coming a close second. But, just pipping it, was my walk to the polling station back in May to vote Lib Dem. A better use of my half hour would have been to frolic about in my proletariat filth like I'm meant to.


The Lost award for most pointless, drawn-out US TV import

Pretty much a no-contest here, Channel 4's The Event promised intrigue and excitement. What it gave was a storyline so convoluted that it would cause the people that cracked the Enigma Code to reach for the Aspirin. Bringing together terrorism, aliens, the White House, kidnappings, assassins, romance was like trying to fit the entire contents of the universe into a Ford Focus.


Biggest Scaremongers

Unsurprisingly, this is a joint award between The Daily Mail, The Sun and Sky News. If it wasn't Raoul Moat that was going to kill us all, it was the TREACHEROUS snow and ice. Or, perhaps it was going to be the ash from the Icelandic volcano. Or maybe it was going to be Swine Flu. In the end, most of us survived the year without being killed to death by an unlikely cause.


The Audley Harrison award for least appropriate job description

Kay Burley calling herself a journalist when basically all she does is ask inappropriate questions at inappropriate times and shouting louder with her own opinions than the person she is meant to be interviewing for their opinions on a matter they have more authority on. Still, comeuppance must be round the corner, hopefully it will involve some kind of big hammer.


Sporting Team of the Year

The England cricket team, followed by a considerable amount of daylight. From winning England's first ever World Cup at cricket to retaining the Ashes it has been a pretty perfect year for English cricket and with a relatively young team and home series' against Sri Lanka and India next summer, two of the top three teams in the world, 2011 could be even better.


Lookalike of the year

Michael Buble's resemblance to a gorilla expertly shaved to look like a passable human being in a variety of suits. I've seen less square-jawed human beings in videos at museums showing how the theory of evolution works.


Most versatile TV personality

Step forward Mr Phillip Schofield, the silver-haired fox that is more than welcome to root around in my rubbish bins any day of the week. Whether he was darting from a depressing story about rape to a discussion about the X Factor on This Morning or playing quizmaster/divorce enhancer on Celebrity Mr&Mrs or standing very very still on bizarre gameshow The Cube. Schofield could do just about everything in 2010, except handle his drink.


Person with the most punchable face in Britain award

There is no winner for the most prestige award on offer, just a list of candidates, who would you pick? Candidates include; Nick Clegg, Simon Cowell, Kay Burley, David Cameron, Peter Andre, John Terry, Wayne Rooney, Michael McIntyre, James Corden, Justin Bieber to name but ten.


Happy New Year all!

Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 1- 12A- 9 out of 10

As some of you may know, I edit the Arts & Entertainment section for the University of Portsmouth's student rag, Pugwash News, duly plugged. Anywho, when the seventh and penultimate Harry Potter film came out, my deputy editor submitted a review giving it 10 out of 10 saying "Jesus would bow down to this movie."

Now for some context, at the beginning of the year, we (by which I mean the A&E team) agreed that only the Second Coming would get a 10/10 review. However, I could see where my deputy was coming from with this rating.

Harry Potter has been such a huge part of the lives of our generation for so long. From the first book to this, the second from last film, it has been the defining cultural product of the past decade. It has guided us through all of the pitfalls of growing up, first day at a new school, first kiss, first fights with friends, first relationships, first break ups. It has covered everything for us, except sex of course, despite the fact wizard sex would be absolutely awesome, no "well-that's-never-happened-before" situations with wizard sex I'll bet.

So, going in to this film, expectations were as high as a stoner atop a skyscraper and we all know the equation that expectation=disappointment. Thankfully, however, once in a while expectations can be met. This film is very good.

Of course, to anyone who has read the book, the dark plot will be familiar. This is the darkest book of the lot with our three heroes abandoning Hogwarts to go, essentially on the run. This has given the film series a much needed change of scenery as the corridors of Hogwarts are replaced with some truly stunning British landscapes, from forests to lakes to coastlines.

From the beautiful locations used to shoot the out-and-about scenes to the perfectly lighted indoor scenes, in terms of directorship, this film is just perfect. Reflecting the generally dark aspect of the book, a lot of the film is shot darkly.

The issue with many of the past films has been the acting. Not the overall cast, that has always been exception with the best of the best British acting talent being utilised. Bill Nighy is the latest big name to be cast and naturally, he is super, as Rufus Scrimgeour, under-fire Minister of Magic. Elsewhere, Ralph Fiennes and Helena Bonham-Carter put in customary excellent turns as Lord Voldemort and Bellatrix Lestrange. No, the issue of acting in the past has been the younger actors. This is no longer an issue.

Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint and Emma Watson have all come of age as acting talents, particularly Grint. The increasing tension, both emotionally and indeed sexually, between the trio is portrayed perfectly. Yes some lines over acted but that's to be expected in a film branding itself 'the most important film event of this generation'.

This Potter film combines some many different elements of filmmaking just perfectly. Witness the tender moments, such as Harry and Hermione's dance together. Witness the funny moments, the seven Harrys. Witness the action moments, from the flight from the Dursley's house to the climactic scene at Malfoy's mansion. Witness the emotional moments, Dobby's death. All effortlessly put together in a single two and a half hour package.

It says a lot when my one issue with the film is that it doesn't follow the plot line of the book to the letter but that is impossible to achieve as otherwise the film would be about ten hours long. And yes, the plot of the film still works so that is not too big of a problem.

Overall, this latest film in the series just left me incapable of waiting until July for the final chapter when not just the film, but an era really, comes to an end.

Re-reviewed- The Event @ 9pm- Channel 4- 3 out of 10

Back on Saturday 23^rd October (although it seems like yesterday, where does the time go eh?) I said this about The Event " The basic plot, from what I can work out so far, is that people-looking aliens (representing terrorists), are locked up in an Alaskan military prison (representing Guantanamo Bay), until President Martinez (representing Obama) decides to release them."

Now, in the 7 episodes since then, a lot has happened, some relevant, some irrelevant, some possibly relevant, some possibly irrelevant. The simple fact of the matter is, anybody without a PhD at the very least, has lost all track of this show. Even its Wikipedia page lacks a plot synopsis for Gawd's sake!

Characters appear and disappear, often leaving for episodes at a time. Vice President Jarvis, hitherto such a peripheral character that he may well have not existed, now turns out to be a central character. And now he's dead! Double you, tee, eff?!

Storylines disappear and then come back. There appears to be a three layers to the plot; one involving the White/FBI/Intelligence Services, the next involving the conspiracy between the aliens and the shady organisation looking to hide their identity and the last is the Sean/Leila storyline being chased by said shady organisation. The issue being with these storylines is that they are so broad that it's impossible to fit all of them into one 40 minute episode.

Therefore, each episode focuses on particular strand, with small references to the others. Unless you have the memory of a particularly attentive elephant, The Event is impossible to follow. Little events may well prove to be important but no one can then remember when they happened. Was there a change of tie that the President was wearing? Did Director Sterling's spectacles change? Will this prove to be important?

Furthermore, the Event is just completely unrealistic. What kind of car can drive from Arizona to Texas in a day? How can a car-bomb turn up at the exact spot where the VP escapes from after his betrayal to the shady organisation? How can surgery on a gun wound in a back street occur and the doctor performing it say "You're gonna be alright."?

It's almost as if the show's writers are trying to be too clever with the show, in a similar way to Lost, and are digging themselves into a bigger and bigger hole. There is going to have to be a whole lot of explaining and clarifying to do to salvage what was once a promising show.

Meet The Parents @9.30pm- E4- 2 out of 10

Bloody hell, where to start with this huge pile of steaming sub-par excuse for television entertaintment? Let's start with the premise I suppose.

The idea of the show is that a girl takes her boyfriend to go meet her parents for the first time, a terrifying experience anyway, but, hey, let's make it even worse for these poor saps. Let's replace the girlfriend's family with actors and put the lad in horrendously, cringey situations. If he can survive five hours in the family home, he wins a holiday to an unspecified destination, Butlins before it closes perhaps.

Standby for an incredibly long list of criticisms.

Firstly, if I had been going out with a girl for eight months and I had not met her family, that's not the best pretext

Secondly, if I had been going out with a girl for eight months, a fair amount of time, and it looked as if it was a long lasting relationship, I'd be pretty hacked off if she thought it would be a jolly jape to fuck around with the first meeting with the potential in-laws. I'd probably be within my rights to tell her to bugger off after the show has finished and go on that Butlins holiday on my own and get an STD while I'm there.

Thirdly, if you are going to create these awkward cringey situations, at least make them appear believable to anyone with more than three brain cells. The gardener getting off with the mum? The hippy sister? The uptight, headmaster of a father? These are characters and situations from a sub-MTV (whisper it, sub-4 Music?) sitcom, and even in that they wouldn't be at all believable.

Fourthly, giving a young woman, who may well be in love with their boyfriend, the incentive for a holiday at the expense of the humiliation of their other half smacks a bit of exploitation. Perhaps welcomed exploitation but it appears to be taking advantage of a young woman by bribing her without thinking of the potential damage it can do to her relationship

Right, what else can I pick holes in about this show? The acting is at about the level of Hollyoaks, the voiceover man builds everything up beyond belief. Even the bloody font of the little countdown clock gets on my nerves.

Overall, whilst not having the best ethical grounding, this show could have worked if done properly. Instead, it's been put together to be as over-the-top as possible and rather than the situations the boyfriends are in being cringey, the whole show is one great big toe-curler.

The Myth of the Anfield Atmosphere

If you say something loud enough, often enough and for long enough, a large number of people will begin to believe what you are saying is fact. Take note of the 'Birther' movement in the US post-Obama's election and most other conservative rhetoric.

However, this does not mean what you are saying is correct, which brings me neatly on to the subject of the world famous Anfield atmosphere generated by the fans of Liverpool FC and indeed the British media.

We've all heard it before; "another superb atmosphere on a European night here at Anfield" says the commentator. "The Kop are in full voice tonight" replies the analyst. And at times they are correct, most vividly in European ties like against Olympiakos, Juventus and Chelsea in 2005, Chelsea again in 2007 and Real Madrid in 2008. In ties like this, it is clear to see the atmosphere played a part in creating what were incredible European nights at Anfleld.

What's the running theme in all of these games? They were all against either big European teams or must-wins matches that were easy to be psyched up for from a fan's viewpoint. Fans of Reading (even probably Chelsea) would create a superb atmosphere for games like that for God's sake.

But when it comes to games like tonight's against Napoli, you could hear a pin drop for large swathes of the first half and it was only the introduction of Steven Gerrard at half time that galvanised the Kop. And when smaller Premiership teams go for 'their big day out' at Anfield, the atmosphere is no different to any other ground, i.e. largely determined on how well the home team is playing.

I'm not saying the Anfield atmosphere is below average. There are some times when I'm sure it makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end but there are tonnes of times I've felt this at the Madejski Stadium, a ground not at all known for its amazing atmosphere.

Perhaps, in the past (way before my time) Anfield was a unique place to experience football but equally, this view seems somewhat out of date now where it is largely a benign atmosphere, heavily reliant on stimulus from the players and only truly outstanding in important games.

On not being able to see your team play every week

On not being able to see your team play every week

Going to university has taught me many things; shorthand, media law, Harvard APA referencing, how to live with people, just how big a knobhead landlords can be, how to make shepherd's pie and the value of a tactical chunder being but some of the highlights.

But one of the biggest lifestyle changes has been the realisation you can't get to see your football team play every week. From having a season ticket and going to the odd away game, lack of money leads to seeing a maximum of five games a season.

Furthermore, being a fan of a team outside the top flight means you become reliant on sources other than TV to get information on your team. With maybe three games on TV at most throughout they year, these other sources become your best friends.

For example, today, for the epic Reading-Doncaster game, I had on the go the BBC live updates, Sky Sports Scorecentre for results updates and live tables, the Reading official site for live text updates and Reading FC forum Hob Nob Anyone? for comment, flicking between each whilst attempting to work on the student paper at the same time.

The best part of this is, unlike watching on TV with other people, you are in your own little world when following the game, becoming engrossed in it while others go about their business around you. So, when something exciting happens, like Reading's comeback from 3-1 down to 4-3 win today, you genuinely frighten people when you punch the air for no particular reason.

Don't get me wrong, being there would have trumped that feeling by a long, long way but the other thing university has taught me is to make the most of what you can get.

The Event- Fridays @ 10pm- Channel 4- 6 out of 10

Not everything that is advertised to death is very good, PhoneShop on E4 probably being the best example ever. But then again, dramas that are really heavily advertised can deliver, like Downton Abbey, or so I'm told at least, I can't watch it as I own a penis.

(Incidentally, every time I saw the advert for The Event, it made me think of the post-apocalyptic quiz show in That Mitchell and Webb Look which made me involuntarily laugh when said advert came on, or maybe I was just laughing at the pomposity of the stupid ad.)

Moving on, The Event is kind of like a cross between Lost (although that maybe due to the presence of an airplane) and the movie Vantage Point. Action flicks between the views of different characters and at different points in time, ranging from going back 66 years in the past to 10 minutes.

The basic plot, from what I can work out so far, is that people-looking aliens (representing terrorists), are locked up in an Alaskan military prison (representing Guantanamo Bay), until President Martinez (representing Obama) decides to release them.

But, before his announcement, a plane almost flies into the Presidential retreat (which looks nothing like Chequers) but is diverted by a big bubble, or something that looks like a big bubble anyway. The plan ends up in an Arizona desert and then the mindfuck gets really intense.

What follows is a woman in a bikini, some guns, another woman in a bikini, some guns on a plane, a shirtless man, some guns in a hospital, a topless man with a broken arm all thrown in with dollops of CONSPIRACY and SUSPENSE and INTRIGUE.

Suffice to say, the show is interesting at the very least but it's also desperately unrealistic. Case in point, I'm fairly sure a car cannot follow in the path of a jet engine without getting blown away and I'm also quite sure that when a plane crashes in a desert, not everyone will survive (all of them are dead by the end of second episode though).

Some of the acting can be a bit on the wooden side and some of the plotlines are yet to convince but the opening two episodes have laid a good foundation for what will hopefully be a show that develops as it goes on.

The Inbetweeners- (Just over) Mid-Season Review- 7 out of 10

The true secret of the successful sitcom is longevity and it's a secret that the British comedy scene has largely failed to crack. The number of British sitcoms to remain consistently top quality past about four series is depressingly few in number compared to their American counterparts.

For one reason or another, British sitcoms do not seem to be able to retain their originality and humour for too long, with the notable exception of Peep Show. Sadly, The Inbetweeners seems to be following this trend.

For me, the issue is popularity. Once a show gets 'big-time' it tends to have the habit of taking its core viewers (the ones who made it popular in the first place) for granted whilst it goes off looking for more support by being more outrageous than before. This appears to be the problem with The Inbetweeners.

What started out as a very realistic of depiction of sixth form life (well, it was for me at least), the 'anti-Skins' if you prefer, has become more and more desperate to keep that realism but in doing so it's become something of a parody of itself. The end of old episodes had believable gross-out scenes but increasingly, every episode in this series ends in a gross-out scene that is more and more unrealistic (and usually sees Simon without clothes on).

Meanwhile, there is a distinct lack of character development; Jay is still boasting of his fake sexual exploits (which is a shame after the tender side we saw of him in the final episode of Series 2), Neil is still plodding along with no real character growth and only the occasional awesome one-liner to show for it whilst Will lacks a love interest to chase so he is left being a rather boring character. Simon is the only character to evolve this series, through his relationship with Tara, but he now appears to be back to square one, i.e. loser chasing after the unreachable girl (Carli).

However, that is not to say that the series hasn't been funny. Not by a long stretch. Despite starting off slowly, the series has really come to strength, in terms of humour, in the last two episodes.

The episode of the double cinema date and Neil's 18^th is certainly a classic (note Jay's boast before getting on a motorbike "My dad used to drink with Lance Armstrong" and the superb end scene of Will's 'break-up' with Kerry) whilst last night's episode was superb with genuine laugh out loud moments.

It was good to see some of the realism that got me watching the show was back in place again and Simon's "tactical wank" and failure to get wood was simply amazingly funny. And how can you forget the scene on the doorstep of Tara's sister house, with Will explaining why he won't be going to Warwick Uni and why Simon and Tara are really at the house. Painful but hugely humorous.

Overall, it will be interesting to see what the last two episodes bring to the party. Hopefully they will be set us up well for a strong fourth series and not a renewal of the initial slow decline.

What My First Day As A London Commuter Has Taught Me

Well, today was my first day as a proper out-of-town to the capital commuter. Reading to Teddington via Twickenham. Alright, it's hardly Soho or the City or Fleet Street but it's a start. Besides, FourFourTwo magazine is the biggest publication I've worked at in my fledgling career (and I include the last issue of Pugwash's massive distribution in that).

Being a person that has never really lived before, the amount of times I've been to London can be counted on the fingers of one hand, even if said hand had once been put through some kind of farm equipment and was left without the full complement of digits.

As a result, I'm still rather new to the whole working in London thing and so some things still raffle baffle or amuse my simple, less urban mind.

Firstly, fold-up bicycles. ALOL. Has fashion and environmental consciousness ever been so further apart? They look like trombones when folded up and paper imitations of bicycles when unfolded. And the smug look on their owners faces? Bugger off. I can save the environment by not looking like a twat. It's called walking and it's free. Jog on, so to speak.

Secondly, and this is more a public transport in general kind of thing, why can't there be lanes in railway stations, like motorway lanes. For example, you can have old couple, slow walking man on phone and tourist on the slower lane, then fast walkers in the middle lane and people running to catch their trains or "VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO RUN EVERYWHERE BECAUSE THEY ARE SO IMPORTANT" in the outside lane. Simples, n'est pas?

Thirdly, working on your lunch break. This used to be an alien concept to me, much like having sex with your socks on or watching a show with Fearne Cotton in it. Sadly, and thankfully, only working during my lunch hour has now become familiar to me. Well, I've done it toady but I don't like it!

Lastly, the token man running for a train. Usually a source of amusement for me, not today. Today, it was me. I ran and I ran, bulldozing women with shopping on the way as I went, like a sweaty hippo in a green hoodie.

Oh how things can change. Even in a day.

A Thought on the International Response to the Pakistani Floods

Not my original thought but courtesy of my dad and I completely agree.

If the West seriously wants to get Muslim states on their side in the War on Terror/Islamic fundamentalism, why have they given groups like Al-Qaeda the perfect ammunition for propaganda by their response to the floods in Pakistan?

By not donating huge amounts of aid to the ravaged Muslim country, unlike in the aftermath of previous natural disasters, the new propaganda message of Al-Qaeda is simple:

"Look, after Haiti's earthquake, they got huge amounts of aid. After the 2004 tsunami, a tonne of aid was donated to the countries affected. But look, when a disaster is based in a Muslim country, no aid is forthcoming because the West hates Muslims."

Simple, perhaps not true, but devastatingly effective. If I was a Pakistani man who has lost his family and possessions and saw no aid being given to my country, I would certainly believe such a message if I heard it.

So, why are the West ruining their best chance at reviving their relationship with the Islamic world? David Cameron's "terrorists" comments probably didn't help is all I would say.

Must Be The Music- Sundays @7pm Sky One- 7 out of 10

Apart from the crap grammar in the title, the blatant rip-off format, the stupid, screaming, baying studio audience and the airheaded, dead-behind-the-eyes, dull-as-dishwater, "look-at-me-aren't-I-so-young-and-pretty-and-I'm-friends-with-Peaches-Geldof-doncha-know?" host (Fearne Cotton if the clues weren't so obvious). Yes, apart from all this, Must Be The Music is actually rather passable.

It is, of course, a rip of The X Factor, with the studio audience, the three judges with their buttons that they press to crush people's dreams and the prize of getting into the music industry. However, the key difference is that the people auditioning actually have to be able to play an instrument, which makes them about a million times more talented than the corresponding X Factor warbler.

Unlike The X Factor, the three judges are young, Scottish and black, in that order. We have baby-faced midget Jamie Cullum (famous for playing the piano standing up), Sharleen Spiteri (famous for having the most un-Scottish name ever) and Dizzee Rascal (famous for being the acceptable face of hip hop for the white, British Middle Class).

Presumably, the judges, especially Dizzee, were chosen to appeal to a younger demographic. Sadly, these people, whilst being able to spot musical talent a mile away, cannot pick out the x factor (so to speak) of what makes a musician into a star, Cowell and Walsh's role on The X Factor.

Interestingly, the show appears to have just two rounds of auditions before holding the live semi finals (pronounced LIIIIIIIVVVVVEEEEEE semi finals), this despite the fact all the audition venues appear to be full to bursting point, enough to make many more shows about the auditions. This means, either, the majority of the auditions were so terrible they couldn't be shown on TV (not even Sky) or the producers just hired lots of people to stand around looking busy at the venues. Take ya pick.

So basically, Must Be The Music is X Factor minus bad grammar plus instruments minus Cotton (a move that can never be apologised enough for) which leaves it lagging behind it's ITV role model. But it's not at all trying to copy it. Not. One. Little. Bit.

Amazing Away Days

One of the great things about football, and there are many, are the days out to far-flung outposts of the UK (and beyond), encountering strange new towns and odd, potentially aggressive new people that wear different colour shirts to you. The adventure is part of the allure, as is the boozing on the train.

The Saturday just past was Reading's first away game of the season, to our locallest of local derbies this season, Portsmouth, the city where I attend university.

Thinking it would be an easy day out, seeing as I do such the journey there many times a year, I would know the place inside out, where to drink, where to eat, no chance of getting lost and so on. So it twas, that on the morning of the 14^th August, I met my mate and his girlfriend at Basingstoke station and we headed to the coast.

But alas, that was the only part of the day that was to go to plan, an easy day out was not going to be had.

The plan was to go to my new flat and have a few drinks there before casually strolling to the ground in the sun, enjoying the game before heading back home at about 7ish. However, this plan failed at the first hurdle. The key to my flat snapped in the lock. 'Bollocks' I immediately thought, 'it's going to be one of those days.' And so it was.

What followed for the next two hours was yours truly frantically running from the flat, to the estate agents and back again many times, leaving my mate and his other half to try to get the broken half of the key out of the lock with no tools but their fingernails.

Eventually, I was told I needed to call out a locksmith. Cue 45 minutes agonised waiting as the minutes to kick-off ticked down, followed by annoyance at having to pay 90 quid call out, just to get the lock sorted (there was also a downed can of cider in between those two events but that's neither here nor there).

From there, a taxi was ordered to Fratton station, where I ran to get a new key cut before wading through a million intimidating Portsmouth fans to get to the Reading end. Finally, to top it off, the walk back to my flat was in the worst rain ever, my Converse are still wet it was so bad.

Still, it's become something of a tradition for my away days to go awry. Watford last year- my cousin lost his ticket. Bristol City last year- my mate and I walked right past the pub we were meant to go to before he got involved in a 'heated dispute' with a steward. Manchester City in 2007- our coach gets stopped by police. Derby County in 2008- uncle gets bruised ribs, Reading get relegated and my boss from work sees me after I didn't technically ask for the day off.

Ah well, QPR away up next for me. Wonder what will be next to spoil/make my away day.

Our Drugs War (Life and Death of a Dealer)- Mondays @ 8pm- 8 out of 10

God damn you Channel 4! Why must you consistently offer high quality, thought provoking documentaries about controversial subjects. Why! It's so difficult to take the piss out of something so good, though I guess I could have just watched something else that was of poor quality (maybe Channel 5, or Channel 5+1 or Fiver or Five USA).

Anywho, on to the documentary and the reviewing thing. Our Drugs War: Life and Death of a Dealer
is the second in a three part series by documentary-maker Angus MacQueen, renowned for his documentaries on drugs. The series is largely arguing for legalisation, rather than prohibition, of drugs.

This film follows a New York drug dealer by the name of Thomas Winston, who at age 28 has been in prison for a quarter of his life (7 years to those who can't do maths).

Winston began drug dealing at the age of 13, is a black man, lives in the New York Projects and has a small child, born with a woman he barely knows. Paints a stereotypical picture doesn't it?

But no, Winston is a well spoken and intelligent man with the desire to get a 9-5 job. He produces a reasoned argument at the inherent racism of US drug law. How cocaine only carries a penalty of one year in jail but crack cocaine carries a jail term of 10 years. Cocaine is a Wall Street drug, crack a ghetto drug.

Furthermore, the dealers MacQueen speaks to all back up Winston's theory of racist law, saying that their suppliers are white, suburban people and yet they just will not get arrested.

Winston's situation is inescapable due to the lack of support for ex-cons with no education or past jobs. As Winston's councillor explains: What incentive is there for a young man who can earn $15,000 a week dealing drugs, for not a lot of work to go straight and work at McDonalds earning $110 a week?

The genius of this film is that while it should be difficult to pity drug dealers, this film leaves you feeling for Winston and the hand life has dealt him, where he appears to be merely a victim of circumstance and that one slip at the age of 13 leads to a life time of inescapable crime.

MacQueen's bravery as a film maker is also in evidence, particularly going into dangerous areas for a man with a camera and a very white, English accent. Overall, a fantastic documentary with a heart breaking ending. Brava Channel 4.

Amish: The World’s Squarest Teenagers- Sundays @ 8pm Channel 4- 8 out of 10

If there is one thing the Daily Mail has taught me, it's that people who are different to me are to be distrusted, stigmatised and are to be very fearful of because they may well cause some new kind of cancer. Of course, this is complete bollocks but that's the world we live in, negative influences are an awful lot more powerful than positive ones.

Which is a shame really because really, deep down, we are all very similar, something very much proven by Amish: The World's Squarest Teenagers.

Despite being marketed as a "look at the people that are different to us and laugh at them for it" kinda show, it really is much more than that. It is on Channel 4 remember, not BBC3 although there are elements of the 'point-and-patronise' style of documentary making so favoured by the Beeb's downmarket third channel.

The show centres on taking five young people from an Amish community, those folk with barns and awesome facial hair, out of their comfort zone each week, living with British teenagers from different social groups and seeing how they react and interact, like a good old fashioned social experiment.

In the first episode, the five young Amish (they're not teenagers, one is 23 for Gord's sake) stay with a group of teenagers in South London from Black and Asian backgrounds. They go off to a park to play rounders, they go shopping, they talk about how people get stabbed and shot near their homes, all nice wholesome, Christian stuff.

However, for a group of young people who have never encountered crime, violence, sex before marriage, single mothers and all of London's pleasures, the Amish kids take it remarkably in their stride, showing a very high level of maturity. To their credit, the British yoofs are very similar with their respect towards Amish beliefs.

No scene demonstrates this more than when one of the British teenagers, a young female Muslim, takes them to a mosque for the first time and rather than feeling threatened by it , the Amish are curious and recognise the similarities between the two faiths not the differences. But hah! They don't know who John Lennon was so let us laugh on them!

On a serious note, this documentary provides a welcome contrast to the stereotypical picture of today's teenagers painted by the tabloids, showing them as mature human beings, more than capable of interacting with those different to them and respecting their beliefs, hobbies and way of life. Bravo!

All in all, for the Amish folk, it's all very similar to a middle class, British person's gap year experience, only they tie it into the Amish tradition of Rumspringa which sounds like a German heavy metal festival. Anywho, the concepts are basically the same; it's all about finding yourself, cha?

Overall, Amish: The World's Squarest Teenagers continues the fine tradition of Channel 4 documentaries that are genuinely interesting, thoughtful, measured, sensitive and, yes, entertaining from which the BBC should take a number of notes, primarily "1. This is how it should be done!!!" Although, the forthcoming episode looks far more of a challenge for the Amish however, with a very different British teenage lifestyle- the white, indie, hippie, cross over cunts with all their booze, weed and stupid curly hair.

Toy Story 3D- (U) - 6 out of 10

Looking back, wasn't everything always when you were younger? Sweets and chocolate tasted better with the added bonus of not having to worry about the effect they have on your teeth and body shape. The summers lasted longer, were sunnier, full of endless hours down the park and no burdens of money bringing one down. You could accidentally brush another person's chest/ arse region/ genital region without the cheeks reddening, awkwardly mumbling sorry and not being able to look them in the eye for two weeks or so. Simpler times.

And of course, films were always better, full of innocence and colour and fun and silly characters and happy endings. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, wasn't it lovely? But alas, age is nothing but a cynicism-creating device where you come out on the other side all gnarled and cynical.

So we come to Toy Story 3 (or 3D if you really must insist). Way back in my own youth, the original Toy Story was the first ever film I saw at the cinema and thus has a very special place in my heart. I loved it and still do to this day. But this new film just feels like a horrible, exploitative piece of bastardisation.

Firstly, it may just be my age showing, but this new offering seemed largely devoid of jokes, apart from the occasional zinging one liner from Hamm (still my favourite character), the extended Spanish Buzz gag and the Ken-Barbie interactions. The one thing animated films need to survive is both jokes for kids and subtler ones that adults will get but Toy Story 3 lacks this.

Secondly, the storyline (solid but not spectacular) took at least half of the film to get going, whilst at times lacked a coherency where it appeared the writers were working ad hoc, not thinking things through, which is unacceptable after having over a decade to produce the film.

Lastly, the gimmick of 3D. So many films since Avatar have jumped on the 3D bandwagon to make a few more pounds at the box office and very few have been worth the additional two quid entrance. They have been largely shot in 3D at last minute so huge swathes of the movie is not done properly and adds nothing to the experience. Toy Story 3D is another example of this where the 3D effect was only noticeable every so often and only to show the distance between characters in a scene, hardly Avatar's sweeping 3D landscapes. Note to film makers, spend less on 3D effect and more on your writers.

Overall, whilst still watchable as a movie, I was left with a feeling that this film could have been so much more than a lame tacking on to the outstanding achievements of the first two Toy Story films. The loss of childhood innocence indeed.

Inception- (12A)- 9 out of 10

Hype is a funny thing. No matter what the subject of said hype, England's World Cup chances, a sunny summer or your first sexual encounter, almost invariably it ends with tears, soggy sausages and frustration/disappointment (in that particular order, though in some cases all four). However, there is a reason we all still believe the hype and that is the hope that hype brings. The hope that, maybe, just maybe, the next overly hyped subject will be worth and that perhaps, just this once, we will come out of the other side of it with our faith rewarded and our hope restored until the next crushing blow that life brings, you're bus being late or something like that.

Anywho, after reading countless reviews marking inception down as THE SHIZZ and that I would be blown away, it was with some trepidation I took my seat. But some 2-and-a-half-hours later (which flew by incidentally) my hope was indeed restored until the crushing blow came (it being that my favourite takeaway was shut for the night…)

The story follows Dom Cobb (Di Caprio) who is essentially a man that goes into people's dreams to steal ideas. Oh, and he has a lot of emotional baggage. A lot. Which may or may not affect the plot of the film in a substantial way. Or maybe not at all. This is me trying to be spoiler free.

To get what he wants (spoiler free!) Cobb is offered a job by a businessman where he must plant an idea (rather than steal one) into the head of the businessman's rival's son and heir. To do this, Cobb puts together a team to travel into the head of the heir via his dreams.

What follows is a gloriously put together action-cum-Sci-Fi-cum- tortured romance film sprinkled with one-liners. The fight scenes are perfectly choreographed with echoes of The Matrix in places, the relationships between characters built steadily, plot twists coming thick and fast and enough action in amongst the intellectual aspect to keep the 14-year-olds behind me interested for a whole 140 minutes.

My two criticisms would be these. First, the film largely uses Ellen Page's character as basically a plot device. Her lines largely seem to just be questions aimed at Di Caprio's character which aim to clear up any intellectual barriers for the audience (kind of a layman's approach) and makes her character seem misplaced in the 'dream team', so to speak, that Cobb puts together, an apprentice among experts if you will.

My second criticism is the ending which, without giving too much away, at first appears to be a very good idea but on reflection seems flimsy and ultimately one twist too far.

But largely, this is a terrific film full of twists, incredible action sequences, an intriguing intellectual element, solid albeit not spectacular acting, all delivered at a steady pace that allows you to keep up. Although, as a friend of mine noted, it may now cause you to question your own dreams.

The Strange and Disturbing Tale of Raoul Moat, Sky News and Modern Morality

So there we were, myself and my girlfriend, sat in front of the TV on a Friday night with a tub of ice cream and some cider, planning to stick on a film and probably fall asleep with it on. But then, just as we were getting up to put on Sherlock Holmes, a banner popped up on the bottom of the screen over the Simpsons (we were watching Sky One). The banner said; "Raoul Moat surrounded by police. Switch to Sky News Channel 501 for more details".

"Oh," we thought "switch over just to see what's going on and then we will watch the film." An hour later, we were still watching but we managed to tear ourselves away, only looking again before going to bed at midnight. However, that hour said all that needed to be said for the state of modern morality that we all adhere to.

All the "news" consisted of was repeated shots (so to speak) of some footage caught from apparently up a tree by Sky News cameramen, showing the police negotiators and continued live footage of the barricade put up at the end of the road the incident was occurring on. Occasionally, the reporter would step in front of the camera to tell us the same information we had heard time and time again over the last week.

After a while, it became clear that all Sky News (and indeed, all the news outlets) wanted was the 'money shot' of Moat holding the shotgun to his neck. This was clear by the way the cameramen who caught the footage of the negotiating team kept panning left to where Moat was, thankfully covered by trees from the vantage point of the camera. This isn't the concern as this is the way the news operates, it wants to get the most shocking shot.

The main concern was that the vast majority of people, myself included, was just watching, hoping to see a man end his life, live on TV. There was no other reason for watching this 'news'. It was pure voyeurism and rubber-necking.

A final point, a quick look on the BBC News website offers you a video entitled "The moment gunman stand-off ends", in perhaps the most disturbing title ever. For the sake of Moat, a murderer but still a human being, don't watch it.

The Value of Low Expectations

The one surprise was that we didn't take it to penalties to have our arses handed to us. And handed to us our arses indeed were. England's biggest ever World Cup Finals defeat. Humiliation, thy name is Joachim Low.

Even the elaborate 'Low Expectations' defence failed to work. To get round this, England launched a quasi-comeback that began with Upson's goal and ended with the third German goal, encompassing Lampard's 'goal' and the same player hitting the post. What this did was rouse my expectations into thinking "we can bloody well do this" but then dashed them in a cruel manner. A delightful new tactic developed by the England football team.

Ah yes, THAT 'goal', the motif that will dominate all of the papers tomorrow, not just the red-tops but the broadsheets too. The simple fact is, it shouldn't. As Lee Dixon (perhaps pundit of the tournament so far) rightly said on Match of the Day, it will just cover the up the cracks. We are not good enough and haven't been for at least 40 years now. We are a second rate footballing nation that has no right to go into any major tournament expecting to win it. We are on the same level as France and Spain, occasionally good enough but we only have a small number of trophies to show for it. The media should accept this but no, of course, hype sells.

It would appear, in this blogger's opinion, that the fault lies with the players. After the 2006 World Cup, Erikkson's laidback attitude to the team was criticised. Now, Capello is too authoritarian. The one constant feature? The players. Something just changes in them when they touch down in a host country and they cannot play together. Indeed, today it looked as if they had never even met each other. Where had the confidence from the qualifiers gone?

At this point, in my opinion, the clear solution is this. Ask Capello if he has any intention to stay longer than 2012. If not, get rid of him and get someone in who is. Then, a cull of this team is required, voluntarily or not. Get rid of James, Joe Cole, Heskey, Lampard, Ferdinand to start with. Bring in youth. Build a team with Adam Johnson and James Milner on the wings, Rooney up front, Hart in goal and say this is a long term project. If we don't qualify for Euro 2012, it's not the end of the world. Blood the youngsters and get them ready for 2014. A long term project with low expectations.


 

The Second Round, Not The Round of Bloody Sixteen

Just where has this World Cup gone? It's already 2/3s over in terms of games, over halfway in terms of days left and over half of the teams that started have gone home to vilification (France and Italy), jubilation (New Zealand) or torture chambers. (North Korea and possibly those dodgy Swiss)

Anywho, enough living in the past, onwards to the recent present and immediate future. Earlier today, Uruguay beat South Korea in a largely uninspiring game, save for that magnificent goal by Suazo, who got 49 goals in 50 games for Ajax last season, if you hadn't heard for the 1 millionth time! In other news, my new favourite team, Ghana, beat the US through two outstanding goals.

What I like about Ghana is they retain their identity, despite all the marketing and commercial bollocks the World Cup has now become, and are unafraid to show their raw emotions in victory or defeat. Note the running around with the Ghanaian flag at the end of today's game. Plus, this blogger's neighbour is Ghanaian and it's a joy to hear his celebrations at the final whistle. Although, on a sadder note, its disappointing to see the tactics of time wasting and feigning injury are present with the Black Stars.

Now, onto the big one tomorrow. I can't buy the optimism that surrounds the English media and the majority of fans right now. We squeezed through in a poor group, scoring only two goals and the team, albeit looked better in places on Wednesday, appear to have no confidence in their own belief that was so evident in the qualifiers. There are so many things that need to go our way; Rooney suddenly hitting form, Lampard showing up in a major, international competition for the first time since 2004, hoping Germany's inexperienced and young team are overawed and so on.

It's to say we don't have a chance but a lot of luck has to go our way and I personally will be going into the game tomorrow with a view that we will not be going further in this competition. Avoid disappointment by setting low goals ya see? I'll go a 2-1 win to the Germans and lots of xenophobic stereotypes in the red tops over the next three days.

Finally, my tips to win the thing, the ones that started badly but working their way to top gear: Spain who will play Brazil in the final in a match billed as the neutrals final but will descend into a farce full of diving and gamesmanship

Doctor Who- BBC1- Saturdays @ 6pm(ish)- 8 out of 10

What is the best way to continue the tremendous success set by a remarkable, epoch defining collaboration of an actor who made himself the character and a lead writer and producer who's fertile imagination kept old fans of the show and bought in new ones (including this blogger) at exactly the same time? Easy, cast a complete unknown in not one but both lead roles and give the role of lead writer and producer to a man best known for some below par BBC and ITV sitcoms at the turn of the decade.

Of course, this is being dreadfully unfair. Matt Smith was a particularly accomplished stage actor by the time Doctor Who came calling and Steven Moffat was recognised as Russell T Davies' natural successor after standing out as a writer in David Tennant's era as the Doctor. However, Tennant and Davies was still an absolutely massive act to follow and to fail was to potentially destroy a British institution.

Thankfully, this was not the case and Moffat and his team of writers have produced a steady, if not spectacular, opening series to their term behind the scenes whilst in front of the camera, Smith and Karen Gillian have proved a safe pair of hands, each bringing their own unique styles to differentiate themselves between their predecessors.

So, here are the first (and probably last) annual Our Somewhat Significant Opinions Doctor Who Award:

Best episode- With special mentions to The Eleventh Hour as a stellar introduction and The Lodger cos I love a good low budget episode that focuses on character development but we have a clear winner in the series finale The Big Bang. Moffat appeared to set himself a task in the first episode of this two parter that could only be solved cheesily, inconceivably or both but rose magnificently to the task to delver a simply stunning 55 minutes of television that got the balance absolutely spot on between special effects, emotional content, plot twists and a non-cheesy ending.

Best plot device- Rory. Put simply. His whole entire existence was to have a love-triangle between the Doctor, himself and Amy that was hardly ever used. Either have it and use it or just do the usual and leave it to our imaginations that the Doctor and his Companion are using the TARDIS furniture for other activities. Also, it's only a headfuck for the time being, it will be resolved as time goes on, but just why is the TARDIS exploding?

Biggest headfuck- Plenty to choose from, this is Doctor Who after all, but I'll pick one from left field. In The Lodger, why did Craig and Sophie always leave their door unlocked so people could get tricked by the 'old man' or 'small child' to come upstairs to the fake room? They should really lock their door; they do live in Colchester after all.

Best character- By a country mile (what is the difference between a country mile and a mile by the way?) it is the mysterious, amusing, strangely sexy but just completely compelling River Song. Yes, she was only in a handful of episodes but the intrigue and verve she bought to the show was a joy to behold and it is clear to see she will become a much more integral character to the show next series. Bravo Alex Kingston

Best guest star- With special mentions to James Corden, who bought a lovely, sweet touch to his character in The Lodger, and Toby Jones for his deliciously evil Dream Lord in Amy's Choice but this award goes to Tony Curran's near on perfect performance as Vincent Van Gogh in Vincent and the Doctor. Curran captured precisely what was asked him from the script and gave a masterclass in how to portray a troubled genius.

Best line- A simple one but "Bowties [fezzes] are cool."


 

James Corden’s World Cup Live- ITV1- Everyday @9.30pm- 6 out of 10

Roll up, roll up for the greatest display of attempting to copy an already successful format since Glee, Sky News and indeed this blog. This is Baddiel and Skinner's Fantasy Football-lite henceforth known as James Corden's World Cup Live. Using his amazing contacts with the England team, Corden sets forth to make a watch-able football show not seen since Baddiel and Skinner, obviously, and sadly, using his own style.

However, there is but one problem, Corden knows nothing about football, for starters, calling the German coach their captain. That's great thinking by ITV, we've got a man who knows nothing about football, so let's give him a TV show about football. Next week, a documentary on World War Two hosted by Melinda Messenger and Marvin from JLS with contributions from Jodie Marsh.

As can be expected, its all very much populist TV, a "come on England here" a dig at ze Germans here, kind of like a 45-minute broadcasting version of the Sun newspaper just not owned by Murdoch. Every now and then it works, usually depending on the guests and what they add to the whole thing. Its all very lowest common denominator.

The real issue is Corden who can be funny but at times over-the-top which doesn't work as a sole TV host. Give him someone next to him who knows what he's talking about. Get a bigger desk if you have to. Pull your fingers out producers! Or at least get him to be less of an arse and name-dropper by talking about his time hanging out with his England team mates. The little odd interview things with England players out playing golf or camping etc do work but Corden can be a right bum-licker with them, almost as if he's trying to bed them.

Meanwhile, operating as some kind of sidekick for Corden is Abbey Clancy (of having Peter Crouch inside her fame), a woman whose voice you want to broadcast to Martians to tell them to back the fuck off cos this is the kind of weapon we possess.

Despite all this, it is strangely compulsive viewing, perhaps because I'm a football fan and at this kind of year I want everything I can get my eyes on football-related. Oh and I am indeed supporting the "Back the Beard" campaign but that's because I'm lazy and shaving is a pain in the arse. Though I bet Corden won't do it else he'll have a beard down to his desk by July and that won't get him laid. The tit.


 

The Whole 19 Yards- ITV1- Saturdays @7pm- 5 out of 10

ITV Saturday night primetime slot, the Holy Grail for producers. From 'You've Been Framed' which finishes at 7pm to some drama type show at 9pm, there is two hours to fill which no producer has yet been able to fill properly.

What ITV appears to like doing is some kind of 'revolving door' meets 'Clark Kent's phone box' type system where shows go in and out and return slightly re-packaged than they were before. For example, 'Britain's Got Talent' is just 'X Factor' with the field of performing arts being thrown open wider. 'Take Me Out' was 'Blind Date' gone somehow more wrong, 'All Star Mr & Mrs' was 'Mr & Mrs' sprinkled with z-list celebrity star dust and 'The Cube' was a vision of the future world government where we must all undertake challenges in a Perspex box.

Which all brings me on neatly to the next game show attempting to fill this void, 'The Whole 19 Yards' which basically brings together 'Total Wipeout' but puts it indoors, not in Argentina and gives its contestants crotch-hugging outfits. Oh, and loveable everyman Richard Hammond is replaced by punchable Vernon Kay, this generation's Chris Tarrant, albeit a Northern one, but 'the-unquenchable-desire-to-host-gameshows' gene is mostly definitely present. Whilst his co-host is your bog standard, generic orange-skinned colloquialism addict in a tight, short dress.

What follows is a brief play-by-play of how the hour long show will unfold. Contestants introduced. First obstacle course revealed. Questions asked. Contestants tackle obstacle course when they are certain they know the answer to one of the questions. Commentator makes inane comments and laughs when contestant C falls over. Contestant A (usually male) reaches end of obstacle course first. Kay greets him like he is a long lost friend feared dead in the Amazon. Contestant A answers question. Orange sex-object in dress consoles losers. Repeat until one contestant is eliminated each round.

The questions are so fiendishly difficult that a man living in a cave, surviving off the moss of the walls and eating his own hair could answer them. Yes, I didn't know some of the answers. So what? Bugger off.

The finale consists of a bizarre spectacle where we find Kay on what appears to be horizontal stair lift with a big red buzzer attached haphazardly to it which moves away from the contestant at a speed which can only be recorded using a calendar. Anywho, the contestant has to answer five questions to win a cool hundred grand before the stair lift reaches the end of the 19 yards. So simple, man in cave or indeed I can understand it.

Overall, another fun way to spend an hour which you could otherwise be doing something constructive for humanity. Like writing a blog on how much you don't like something, something important to civilisation like that. I'm off for a cry now at my own hypocrisy. Til next time people!


 
Dan

Autistic Driving School- BBC3- Sunday 2nd May @9pm- 9 out of 10

In the past, this reviewer has been critical of BBC3 documentaries, describing them as "a slow boat ride down a river made of schadenfreude water with the same constant soundtrack of contemporary mainstream-indie music and b-list celebrity voiceovers replacing the sound of wind whispering through trees." The Beeb's adherence to this format is showcased in shows such as Blood, Sweat and Luxuries where the viewer is invited to a 'laugh-at-posh-teenagers-struggle-in-the-real-world' party. So, it was with some trepidation that the play button was clicked on iPlayer for Autistic Driving School.

But every so often it is good to be proven wrong and this is one of those times. Autistic Driving School is a genuinely sensitive, thoughtful documentary from beginning to end. It focuses on a number of young people with varying degrees of autism and how this impacts upon their learn capability to learn to drive and their driving abilities.

All have different kinds of autism. Some, like 17 year old Chris, who has semantic pragmatic disorder, has issues with perceptions of speed, the consequences of which are obvious with regard to driving. Sam, 19, has difficulty with words, particularly double meanings (such as wait and weight) and this leaves him struggling to cope with the theory element of the test.

Another, 17 year old Scott, who has dyslexia, ADHD and OCD struggles with issues of nerves and self esteem. His instructor Andy explains that he has all the natural ability in the world but his self confidence issues mean that he is mentally set up to fail.

All three of these young people pass their respective tests and it is at times like this that the sensitivity of the documentary is most noticeable. When the teenagers inform their parents of the results of their tests, the camera keeps a respectable distance at this emotional time.

The real star of the show, however, is Julia, one of only two autistic driving instructors in the UK. Julia suffers from Aspergers Syndrome and so finds communication and social skills difficult. Her explanations of how people with autism process things in their minds gives a superb insight into the difficulties that learning to drive brings. For example, you can't say "next left" or "straight over the roundabout" because they will be taken literally. Julia takes on a pupil who also has Aspergers and hasn't driven for 3 years due to a lack of confidence. The way in which Julia builds up her new pupils confidence on the road is one of the most heart-warming 5 minutes of television you will see this year.

Although Autistic Driving School has elements of BBC3 documentary-itis, such as the needless use of contemporary music, the pros easily over rule the cons. The interviewing style of people with autism is sensitive and engaging but not afraid to ask the difficult questions. Credit for this must go to interviewer, narrator, producer and director Osca Humprheys for a superb hour of television. Give it a watch.


Dan

Cemetery Junction- (15)- 9 out of 10

Let us begin with a confession. I do not like Ricky Gervais. I do not find him funny in anyway at all. Admittedly, Extras had it's moments I'll admit and I can appreciate the role The Office played in redefining the British sitcom but I just don't particularly like the man or his style of comedy. Furthermore, it seems that if you are from Reading you have to love him.

However, this is a genuinely funny, touching, moving film so my kudos must go to Gervais and writing partner Stephen Merchant, who I have always much preferred of the pair.

The movie documents the lives of three friends in a 1970s dead-end town and how their differing personalities potentially destroy their lifelong friendship. Freddie Taylor (Christian Cooke) discovers that there's more to life than shagging, drinking and fighting but then finding out there is also more to it than getting a 9-5, buying a house and wondering who the fuck you are in the morning to quote Trainspotting, which this film is very similar to, minus the heroin. Whilst another, Bruce (Tom Hughes), is very happy with what he has, basically being a big fish in a small pond, working in a factory in the week, getting pissed and laid at the weekend.

What is encapsulated perfectly is the feeling of growing up in a dead end town, whatever part of the country you are from. The fact that this reviewer is from Reading, the town Cemetery Junction is largely based on, only adds to the sense of trying to escape such a life.

Despite the stunning performances from Cooke and Hughes, the awesome soundtrack and the superb gritty, vintage style of filming, you just cannot escape the fact that the script is masterfully written and full kudos must go to Gervais and Merchant for producing something truly brilliant.

A highlight is the conversations held between the three generations of the Taylor family about racism, class, culture, identity are conversations that anyone that was 18 between the early 1970s to the present day can remember having with their own parents and grandparents.

Also, again from a personal standpoint, the characters are all very Reading, with very Reading accents, very Reading sayings, very Reading opinions and ultimately a very Reading (i.e. rather poor) sense of self worth in life.

Ultimately, Cemetery Junction has the potential to be one of the year's standout films and a springboard for a new assault on the film industry from Gervais and Merchant . If they can keep this up, my opinion of Gervais may change also.

PS. there is a place in Reading called Cemetery Junction but this of course adds to the metaphor of the title. Wonderful


Dan

Frank Skinner’s Opinionated- BBC2- Fridays @10pm- 8 out of 10

Back in the halcyon days of the 1990's when there was a post-Cold War hope for peace, a charismatic man in both the White House and Number 10 (Clinton and Blair, not Bush and Major!) and Cool Britannia TM, there was a show where two men sat on a sofa and spoke things. My dad liked it. My mum hated it. A youthful me, perhaps in shorts though hopefully not, had no idea what was going on. I probably wanted to watch Rugrats to be honest.

Fast forward 10 or 15 years and these two men have evolved beyond all recognition. From being accident architects of the lad culture of the 1990s, with their football banter and generally sexist jokes, David Baddiel has written a sensitive comedy about Jews and Muslims. Meanwhile, Frank Skinner has a radio show and this, Frank Skinner's Opinionated.

The style of the show is very similar to all of Skinner's television work, large on audience interaction, although there is now more of a chat show aspect where Skinner talks to his guests, usually comedians.

This is Skinner's first time back on TV for since he finished Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned back in 2005 and since then he long since evolved. He has a much more refined comedy technique, less reliance on sexist and controversial jokes. He has a very broad, diverse style of comedy ranging from current affairs to self-depreciation and all stops in between.

The studio looks remarkably like Question Time, likewise, the whole road show element where different cities play host every week. The content, however, is not quite Question Time. Despite promising more current affairs based comedy, politics is usually used as a spring board for anecdotes from the three comedians.

Every so often however, genuinely interesting subjects are raised. In the first episode, elocution and class are covered, as well as plastic surgery. What makes the show work is the deliberate placing of people with knowledge in these areas in the audience. For example, they had a woman with the world record for most number of plastic surgeries, which prompted intelligent, thoughtful and yes at times, humorous, comments from the host, his guests and the audience.

This reviewer has often been critical of the number of current affairs based comedy shows on the BBC at the minute but this is a genuinely new approach to a format that should be applauded and a great showcase for Skinner's talent that is properly blossoming as his career goes on.

Marco’s Kitchen Burnout- ITV1- Fridays @ 9pm- 7 out of 10

Chefs. Don't you love angry ones. Ones that can multi-task. Ones that can cook, appear on TV, shout at people and swear like a sailor all at the same time, like a drunk man at a fancy dress party. My personal favourite is Marco Pierre White and his show, egotistically titled Marco's Kitchen Burnout.

Basically, what happens is three people (I refuse to call them celebrities on grounds of honesty) are let into White's restaurant to cook for regular punters. This time around, the three untrained chefs are comedian Jason Byrne (who somehow is given that job title without being funny), 'actress 'Debra Stevenson and professional wife of a football manager Nancy Dell'Olio who resembles a disenfranchised hawk. Stuffed with botox.

But of course the real star is White himself, who we find wearing a scarf that occasionally becomes headwear for some reason only known to Marco himself, although it does make him look a bit like a younger, less walnut-like Keith Richards.

Marco really is a scary example of a human being who shouts and goads like an insane man awaiting the arrival of a bus whilst completely oblivious to the fact he is stood next to a tree and not a bus stop. "How's my sea bream?! How's my sea bream?! How's my sea bream?! Table one! Table one! Table one! " he exclaims at no-one in particular.

The show is narrated by Alexander Armstrong, who I imagine sat in some kind of Blaine-esque Perspex box over the action, commenting on it like it's a bizarre kind of social experiment where people are subjected to torture by kitchen at the hands of a merciless chef, which is basically what this show is in fact.

The series consists of a series of heats, cos the show is called Marco's Kitchen Burnout. Get it? Yeah I did too, sadly. Continuing the semantic field, there are a lot of fires in the kitchen, although that might be more to do with the contestants cookery skills.

For their main challenge, contestants get to pick out ingredients from a mobile larder type thing (basically the fruit and veg aisle in Tesco, just in the back of a truck). The fact that three people, without training, can pick out enough variety of food for making 3 course meals for 24 people is rather impressive, or perhaps not strictly accurate. Surely they have professional help, for health and safety reasons at the very least.

Anywho, after the three contestants serve, and don't kill the customers, Marco gives them a score out of 100 and the two highest advance through to endure more torture sessions before an inevitable breakdown culminating in one of them committing the ultimate sin using a spatula. But they won't broadcast that. Cowards.


Dan

Britain’s Got Talent- ITV1- Saturdays @ 8pm- 5 out of 10

In more joyful times, ITV could go more than 4 months without a vehicle for Simon Cowell. Sadly, this is no longer the case so this week we welcomed back with (forced) open arms the happy-clappy (but sadly not slappy) Britain's Got Talent.

Sob as Take That's What About Now is dubbed over a fat Brummie who lost his toe in a pizza delivery accident. Laugh at a deluded Scouser who sings like a dog with its bollocks caught on an open can of Pedigree Chum. Count the number of facial expressions Amanda Holden can pull (it's three). Question the relevance of a civilisation that puts Piers Morgan on a show that has talent in its name.

Yes, you can do all this and more in this annual combination of laughing at people and yet still being able to come out of the end feeling good cos you supported that small child who was rubbish but had a good backstory, ya good person you. "Quick, dub some Keane
Somewhere Only We Know over the top of this" yell the producers as the kid tells the world his sad story.

Of course, this is the paradox of this show. It brings out all the things you want to feel from a TV show; laughter, sadness, curiosity and so on. And yet, you can openly laugh at someone who clearly is made of sterner stuff than you because they actually go on a show like this in front of so many people and perform, whilst you sit there guffawing at them. But the negative feeling you should be feeling about this concept is quickly offset by the fact you can claim that you are a good person because you felt bad after listening to the aforementioned sob story. Genius!

Anywho, aside from this and on to other points.

Firstly, will there come a point when there will indeed be no talent in Britain because of this show? Logic dictates that there is only a certain amount of talented people in the field of performing arts so the talent should all be hovered up soon, correct?

Secondly, what a lovely addition walking jolly magnet Louis Walsh was for a portion of the show. As incapable as he is at recognising talent, aside from singing, (he is to talent searching as I am to architectural surveying), his jolly smile lightens up any room, likewise the never wearisome Ant and Dec with their cheeky chappy faces that are half punchable half huggable.

Finally, more dancing dogs please. There's nothing I like more than entertainment that can also be construed as animal abuse. Oh and play some Coldplay over it so I don't feel to bad. Thanks.

Dan

Chris Tarrant: A Comedy Roast- Channel 4- Friday@ 10pm- 4 out 10

The roast format has now been transported here to the UK from the land of the USA and what a disappointment. Basically, volunteering to be roasted is a bit like volunteering to face a firing squad or volunteering to be in the Sugababes, both usually involve an awful lot of agonising and ultimately a death, career or otherwise. Hence why its done at the end of their careers as a final payday. Huzzah!

Tarrant's 30-year career was summed up in a nice 90-second montage showing him evolving from zany morning TV host with bad hair to straight-laced quiz show host with worse hair, the only man to have worse hair in the noughties than the 70s. Nice to see three decades of hard work condensed into a montage that lasts less time than brushing your teeth.

Anywho, the roasters are a curious mix of comedians, television personalities and Sally James. Oh, and a man that makes you question the reason why we are here in this world at all, Jamie Theakston.

Before long, about two minutes in fact, the show descends into sniping between the roasters, usually led by chief roaster Jimmy Carr, which begs the question why was Carr asked to host this show in the first place. A host should be the leader of the roast, not in among the throngs, uniting the roasters against their target. All that's left is occasional one-liners about Tarrant's divorce or Tiswas or Who Wants to be a Millionaire

As is my understanding, and I'm no TV producer here, a roast is meant to be full of original gags and not something a working mans club type comedian could pen whilst sat on the toilet reading the Daily Star.

To be honest, the stand out roasts come from people like James who actually has good anecdotes on Tarrant rather than just churning out endless divorce jokes and from Theakston who earnestly described him as an inspiration.

Even outstanding comedians like Sean Lock and Jack Dee get dragged down into a series of one-liners and barely average barbs about the shit gameshows Tarrant has hosted down the years, or into the mud-slinging between each other. Originality please roasters! The media do enough of this repetitive bollocks. The only comedians to come out of this show with any credit are Jack Whitehall who gave an eloquent, yet funny, roast and Mark Watson, who roasted Tarrant's appalling game shows properly. Interestingly, both of these are probably too young to remember Tarrant in his pomp.

Overall, a waste of what, across the pond at least, appears to be a very good format.


Dan

The Bubble- BBC1- Friday @ 9pm- 7 out of 10

Looking over the top 10 list of most viewed shows on BBC's iPlayer, becuase I'm back in Reading as this is being written and anything is better than being out in Reading on a Saturday night, one finds four comedy shows regarding current affairs and also four general comedy/panel quiz shows. Apparently, the market is not nearly yet saturated enough and must be bled drier than a virgin at a vampire orgy before moving on to the next erstwhile pure genre. The Bubble covers both current affairs and comedy and quiz/panel based comedy joining Mock the Week, Have I Got News For You and 8 out of 10 Cats to name but three also present in the crowded middle circle of that particular Venn Diagram.
Anywho, The Bubble's spin on the format is actually rather orginal. Take three comedians/newspaper columnists/ talking heads/ plant pots and put them in a house (the bubble) for a week prior to filiming with no contact with the outside world. No phones, no Internet, no TV, no newspapers, thus, the hope being, they cannot tell the difference between real news stories and ones made up by the production team. The aim is not only to provide laughs but to also utilise some unusual news stories from the week, in a less original spin on things.
Apart from the obvious human rights aspects of locking people away for days on end (dressing them in jumpsuits may or may not have been discussed at the first production meeting), the show works well. David Mitchell hosts, gaining experience of being in the hot seat of a panel show before fulfilling his inevitable destiny to replace Stephen Fry on QI once Fry gets bored of being universally loved and leaves. This puts the show in a safe pair of hands as Mitchell's quick wit and withering delivery will more often than not deliver.
Sat in what resembles a library from the year 2087 (at least to my limited and stunted imagination), Mitchell proceeds to give the contestants three news stories from different medias for each round, from which they choose the correct one that they believe is real, a task far harder than it actually sounds.
As with all panel/quiz shows the standard of guests will define the quality of the programme and whether it will make it through to "Stage Two" of television: recommission. Whilst the first show offered a glittering all-star cast of Frank Skinner, Victoria Coren and Reginald D. Hunter to play wit tennis with Mitchell. However, the show's description on the iPlayer website terrifyingly promises "wildcard bookings" as guests in the future. This could go one of two ways. Firstly, they get a 'character' on like ultra-cock Rod Liddle or that scary dancing man pillock thing from the "we-buy-any-car" advert. The other option being the complete opposite, a person so dull and beige that the seat they are sitting in offers a more dynamic, engaging personality.
Either way, a troubling conundrum for a promising, innovative take on an increasingly doomed genre.

Dan

Push The Button- ITV1- Saturday @ 7.25pm- 6 out of 10

Note the presenters, the time the show is on, it's opening sequence and it's advert. You don't need me to tell you what Push the Button is all about, but I'm going to do it anyway because that's how a review works ya see?
Push the Button works like this. There are two teams (usually families), some strange games and the target is to win money, kind of like Family Fortunes meets the Crystal Maze in a blender, with lots of studio lighting and perma-grinning thrown in for good measure. Basic premise is that the families are given £100,000 at the start and the challenges take a certain amount of time to complete. In this time, the amount of money you have dwindles. Less time you take, more money you get. You can also take money off the other other family, which adds a healthy Machiavellian streak, disappointingly missing on most cheerful TV shows.
The families appear to have to be Northern with a sense of fun. It is a complete surprise for them when Ant and Dec travel up to their town to say they are on their show it is quite heart-warming seeing people's reactions to see Ant and/or Dec, like having a Cup-a-Soup after a long walk in the cold or seeing a person you hated at school working at McDonalds.
What follows is a bit of meeting the families filler, with establishing shots showing just how much they want to win and how it will "change-their-lives". Shot in black and white, naturally because that makes it mean more and wants us to care.
Each person in the two teams have a specific 'skill' that doesn't seem to have any relevance at all to the way the show works. For example, one says his 'skill' is tanning. Another is 'waxing' leading me to believe there would be a salon round in which Ant and Dec are stripped naked and the two teams compete to see who can "back, crack and sack" one of them fastest. Ant would be harder because he's got a fatter arse but Dec is hairier, possibly.
Meanwhile, Ronnie Corbett does the voiceover for some reason unbeknown to mankind, like he was being held hostage by the producers for their own amusement.
Of course, Ant and Dec are always entertaining in a lowest common denominator way. It's cliched but you just can't resist their Geordie charm and faces that don't age, looking like they've walked off the set of Byker Grove in 1990, via the medieval torture device the Rack to stretch them a bit.
Ultimately, there's something for everyone. For the elitists, you can laugh at people who don't know where Saint Basil's Cathedral is, or indeed what it is. For everyone else that isn't a complete bastard, it's a fun, cheery, good-natured show that will entertain on a Saturday night.

Dan