The Whole 19 Yards- ITV1- Saturdays @7pm- 5 out of 10

ITV Saturday night primetime slot, the Holy Grail for producers. From 'You've Been Framed' which finishes at 7pm to some drama type show at 9pm, there is two hours to fill which no producer has yet been able to fill properly.

What ITV appears to like doing is some kind of 'revolving door' meets 'Clark Kent's phone box' type system where shows go in and out and return slightly re-packaged than they were before. For example, 'Britain's Got Talent' is just 'X Factor' with the field of performing arts being thrown open wider. 'Take Me Out' was 'Blind Date' gone somehow more wrong, 'All Star Mr & Mrs' was 'Mr & Mrs' sprinkled with z-list celebrity star dust and 'The Cube' was a vision of the future world government where we must all undertake challenges in a Perspex box.

Which all brings me on neatly to the next game show attempting to fill this void, 'The Whole 19 Yards' which basically brings together 'Total Wipeout' but puts it indoors, not in Argentina and gives its contestants crotch-hugging outfits. Oh, and loveable everyman Richard Hammond is replaced by punchable Vernon Kay, this generation's Chris Tarrant, albeit a Northern one, but 'the-unquenchable-desire-to-host-gameshows' gene is mostly definitely present. Whilst his co-host is your bog standard, generic orange-skinned colloquialism addict in a tight, short dress.

What follows is a brief play-by-play of how the hour long show will unfold. Contestants introduced. First obstacle course revealed. Questions asked. Contestants tackle obstacle course when they are certain they know the answer to one of the questions. Commentator makes inane comments and laughs when contestant C falls over. Contestant A (usually male) reaches end of obstacle course first. Kay greets him like he is a long lost friend feared dead in the Amazon. Contestant A answers question. Orange sex-object in dress consoles losers. Repeat until one contestant is eliminated each round.

The questions are so fiendishly difficult that a man living in a cave, surviving off the moss of the walls and eating his own hair could answer them. Yes, I didn't know some of the answers. So what? Bugger off.

The finale consists of a bizarre spectacle where we find Kay on what appears to be horizontal stair lift with a big red buzzer attached haphazardly to it which moves away from the contestant at a speed which can only be recorded using a calendar. Anywho, the contestant has to answer five questions to win a cool hundred grand before the stair lift reaches the end of the 19 yards. So simple, man in cave or indeed I can understand it.

Overall, another fun way to spend an hour which you could otherwise be doing something constructive for humanity. Like writing a blog on how much you don't like something, something important to civilisation like that. I'm off for a cry now at my own hypocrisy. Til next time people!


 
Dan