The Value of Low Expectations

The one surprise was that we didn't take it to penalties to have our arses handed to us. And handed to us our arses indeed were. England's biggest ever World Cup Finals defeat. Humiliation, thy name is Joachim Low.

Even the elaborate 'Low Expectations' defence failed to work. To get round this, England launched a quasi-comeback that began with Upson's goal and ended with the third German goal, encompassing Lampard's 'goal' and the same player hitting the post. What this did was rouse my expectations into thinking "we can bloody well do this" but then dashed them in a cruel manner. A delightful new tactic developed by the England football team.

Ah yes, THAT 'goal', the motif that will dominate all of the papers tomorrow, not just the red-tops but the broadsheets too. The simple fact is, it shouldn't. As Lee Dixon (perhaps pundit of the tournament so far) rightly said on Match of the Day, it will just cover the up the cracks. We are not good enough and haven't been for at least 40 years now. We are a second rate footballing nation that has no right to go into any major tournament expecting to win it. We are on the same level as France and Spain, occasionally good enough but we only have a small number of trophies to show for it. The media should accept this but no, of course, hype sells.

It would appear, in this blogger's opinion, that the fault lies with the players. After the 2006 World Cup, Erikkson's laidback attitude to the team was criticised. Now, Capello is too authoritarian. The one constant feature? The players. Something just changes in them when they touch down in a host country and they cannot play together. Indeed, today it looked as if they had never even met each other. Where had the confidence from the qualifiers gone?

At this point, in my opinion, the clear solution is this. Ask Capello if he has any intention to stay longer than 2012. If not, get rid of him and get someone in who is. Then, a cull of this team is required, voluntarily or not. Get rid of James, Joe Cole, Heskey, Lampard, Ferdinand to start with. Bring in youth. Build a team with Adam Johnson and James Milner on the wings, Rooney up front, Hart in goal and say this is a long term project. If we don't qualify for Euro 2012, it's not the end of the world. Blood the youngsters and get them ready for 2014. A long term project with low expectations.


 

The Second Round, Not The Round of Bloody Sixteen

Just where has this World Cup gone? It's already 2/3s over in terms of games, over halfway in terms of days left and over half of the teams that started have gone home to vilification (France and Italy), jubilation (New Zealand) or torture chambers. (North Korea and possibly those dodgy Swiss)

Anywho, enough living in the past, onwards to the recent present and immediate future. Earlier today, Uruguay beat South Korea in a largely uninspiring game, save for that magnificent goal by Suazo, who got 49 goals in 50 games for Ajax last season, if you hadn't heard for the 1 millionth time! In other news, my new favourite team, Ghana, beat the US through two outstanding goals.

What I like about Ghana is they retain their identity, despite all the marketing and commercial bollocks the World Cup has now become, and are unafraid to show their raw emotions in victory or defeat. Note the running around with the Ghanaian flag at the end of today's game. Plus, this blogger's neighbour is Ghanaian and it's a joy to hear his celebrations at the final whistle. Although, on a sadder note, its disappointing to see the tactics of time wasting and feigning injury are present with the Black Stars.

Now, onto the big one tomorrow. I can't buy the optimism that surrounds the English media and the majority of fans right now. We squeezed through in a poor group, scoring only two goals and the team, albeit looked better in places on Wednesday, appear to have no confidence in their own belief that was so evident in the qualifiers. There are so many things that need to go our way; Rooney suddenly hitting form, Lampard showing up in a major, international competition for the first time since 2004, hoping Germany's inexperienced and young team are overawed and so on.

It's to say we don't have a chance but a lot of luck has to go our way and I personally will be going into the game tomorrow with a view that we will not be going further in this competition. Avoid disappointment by setting low goals ya see? I'll go a 2-1 win to the Germans and lots of xenophobic stereotypes in the red tops over the next three days.

Finally, my tips to win the thing, the ones that started badly but working their way to top gear: Spain who will play Brazil in the final in a match billed as the neutrals final but will descend into a farce full of diving and gamesmanship

Doctor Who- BBC1- Saturdays @ 6pm(ish)- 8 out of 10

What is the best way to continue the tremendous success set by a remarkable, epoch defining collaboration of an actor who made himself the character and a lead writer and producer who's fertile imagination kept old fans of the show and bought in new ones (including this blogger) at exactly the same time? Easy, cast a complete unknown in not one but both lead roles and give the role of lead writer and producer to a man best known for some below par BBC and ITV sitcoms at the turn of the decade.

Of course, this is being dreadfully unfair. Matt Smith was a particularly accomplished stage actor by the time Doctor Who came calling and Steven Moffat was recognised as Russell T Davies' natural successor after standing out as a writer in David Tennant's era as the Doctor. However, Tennant and Davies was still an absolutely massive act to follow and to fail was to potentially destroy a British institution.

Thankfully, this was not the case and Moffat and his team of writers have produced a steady, if not spectacular, opening series to their term behind the scenes whilst in front of the camera, Smith and Karen Gillian have proved a safe pair of hands, each bringing their own unique styles to differentiate themselves between their predecessors.

So, here are the first (and probably last) annual Our Somewhat Significant Opinions Doctor Who Award:

Best episode- With special mentions to The Eleventh Hour as a stellar introduction and The Lodger cos I love a good low budget episode that focuses on character development but we have a clear winner in the series finale The Big Bang. Moffat appeared to set himself a task in the first episode of this two parter that could only be solved cheesily, inconceivably or both but rose magnificently to the task to delver a simply stunning 55 minutes of television that got the balance absolutely spot on between special effects, emotional content, plot twists and a non-cheesy ending.

Best plot device- Rory. Put simply. His whole entire existence was to have a love-triangle between the Doctor, himself and Amy that was hardly ever used. Either have it and use it or just do the usual and leave it to our imaginations that the Doctor and his Companion are using the TARDIS furniture for other activities. Also, it's only a headfuck for the time being, it will be resolved as time goes on, but just why is the TARDIS exploding?

Biggest headfuck- Plenty to choose from, this is Doctor Who after all, but I'll pick one from left field. In The Lodger, why did Craig and Sophie always leave their door unlocked so people could get tricked by the 'old man' or 'small child' to come upstairs to the fake room? They should really lock their door; they do live in Colchester after all.

Best character- By a country mile (what is the difference between a country mile and a mile by the way?) it is the mysterious, amusing, strangely sexy but just completely compelling River Song. Yes, she was only in a handful of episodes but the intrigue and verve she bought to the show was a joy to behold and it is clear to see she will become a much more integral character to the show next series. Bravo Alex Kingston

Best guest star- With special mentions to James Corden, who bought a lovely, sweet touch to his character in The Lodger, and Toby Jones for his deliciously evil Dream Lord in Amy's Choice but this award goes to Tony Curran's near on perfect performance as Vincent Van Gogh in Vincent and the Doctor. Curran captured precisely what was asked him from the script and gave a masterclass in how to portray a troubled genius.

Best line- A simple one but "Bowties [fezzes] are cool."


 

James Corden’s World Cup Live- ITV1- Everyday @9.30pm- 6 out of 10

Roll up, roll up for the greatest display of attempting to copy an already successful format since Glee, Sky News and indeed this blog. This is Baddiel and Skinner's Fantasy Football-lite henceforth known as James Corden's World Cup Live. Using his amazing contacts with the England team, Corden sets forth to make a watch-able football show not seen since Baddiel and Skinner, obviously, and sadly, using his own style.

However, there is but one problem, Corden knows nothing about football, for starters, calling the German coach their captain. That's great thinking by ITV, we've got a man who knows nothing about football, so let's give him a TV show about football. Next week, a documentary on World War Two hosted by Melinda Messenger and Marvin from JLS with contributions from Jodie Marsh.

As can be expected, its all very much populist TV, a "come on England here" a dig at ze Germans here, kind of like a 45-minute broadcasting version of the Sun newspaper just not owned by Murdoch. Every now and then it works, usually depending on the guests and what they add to the whole thing. Its all very lowest common denominator.

The real issue is Corden who can be funny but at times over-the-top which doesn't work as a sole TV host. Give him someone next to him who knows what he's talking about. Get a bigger desk if you have to. Pull your fingers out producers! Or at least get him to be less of an arse and name-dropper by talking about his time hanging out with his England team mates. The little odd interview things with England players out playing golf or camping etc do work but Corden can be a right bum-licker with them, almost as if he's trying to bed them.

Meanwhile, operating as some kind of sidekick for Corden is Abbey Clancy (of having Peter Crouch inside her fame), a woman whose voice you want to broadcast to Martians to tell them to back the fuck off cos this is the kind of weapon we possess.

Despite all this, it is strangely compulsive viewing, perhaps because I'm a football fan and at this kind of year I want everything I can get my eyes on football-related. Oh and I am indeed supporting the "Back the Beard" campaign but that's because I'm lazy and shaving is a pain in the arse. Though I bet Corden won't do it else he'll have a beard down to his desk by July and that won't get him laid. The tit.