Hello and welcome to the inaugural (and probably last and only ever) Somewhat Significant Awards. The basic format of this will be that I'll remember something from 2010 (which isn't a lot as I was drunk or working nights for most of it) and I'll attach a sarcastic award to it. These awards will cover literally anything that I can remember so will mainly be stuff that has happened in the last six-and-a-half minutes. Enjoy.
The Mighty Boosh Award for comedy series that may have overstayed it's welcome
Jointly awarded (I dunno we'll saw the trophy in half or summink) to Peep Show and The Inbetweeners. Peep Show appears to have run its course with season 7 with the writers struggling to make Mark and Jez's transformations into true adulthood really work or be funny. Meanwhile, The Inbetweeners slid from identifiable for many teenagers (the perfect antidote to the laughably outrageous Skins) to just simply being reliant on tall girls, protruding testicles and the word 'clunge' for laughs. Hi-larious.
Comedic Line of the Year
No real contest here, screw all your comedies and comedians. Step forward, Mr Joe Wilkes, Pugwash News' Sports Editor. Upon being presented with my Secret Santa present of a book on sportswriting and a condom, his response was: "Dan's got me a book to read and a condom which I'll probably just look at." Still makes me smile to this day.
The John Terry/Wayne Rooney award for making an entire sector of society look bad by association
The student that threw the fire extinguisher off the roof of Millbank, thus providing a defining image for the right-wing media to concentrate on and to focus attention away from the point of the protests by painting all protesters with the same tarred brush. All the arguments for and against raising tuition fees were instantly brushed under the rug. Thanks Edward Wollard, you great big tit. On a similar note, can the Socialist Workers Party please fuck right off rather than infiltrating popular protests to promote their rightly forlorn movement?
The Joseph Heller award for worst Catch-22 to be found in
The winner by a clear mile here, everyone's favourite lightening rod for Tory hate, Nick Clegg. Caught between the devil (Gordown Brown) and the deep blue sea (the Tory party) following the elections, Cleggy had to jump into bed with one of them and either way, in the words Kilroy, he was shafted. Side with Labour and then the second and third most popular parties in the election would win, go with Tories and you'd be joined at the hip with the party you have nothing in common with. Clegg went for the latter and went from being an Obama-lite figure to public enemy number one, no mean feat in just six months.
Mindfuck of the Year
From headachingly bizarre General Election graphics on all the news channels to every idiot's favourite film (me included), Inception, 2010 has certainly been a year for mindfucks. But perhaps the biggest one was the continuing TV appearances of Katie Price and Kerry Katona who have a grand total of three brain cells between them and are less likely to say something insightful than a cucumber with a face crudely drawn on it.
The Danyl Johnson award for X Factor contestant coming to a pub near you soon
Following Johnson's appearance at the Oakford Social Club in Reading (not as a singer mind, just a pubgoer) the next to befall this fate will probably be Wagner looking for a girl with a working vagina to woo with his creepy Brazilian technique or Katie who will continue her slow descent into a delusional madness coma by drinking lots and lots of Fruli beer before throwing up into her equally mad drinking partner's hair. This partner being Gillian McKeith.
Biggest Waste of an Half Hour
A close run thing this one, with E4's Phoneshop (which had all the laughs of a night spent with Gordon Brown discussing vinegar) coming a close second. But, just pipping it, was my walk to the polling station back in May to vote Lib Dem. A better use of my half hour would have been to frolic about in my proletariat filth like I'm meant to.
The Lost award for most pointless, drawn-out US TV import
Pretty much a no-contest here, Channel 4's The Event promised intrigue and excitement. What it gave was a storyline so convoluted that it would cause the people that cracked the Enigma Code to reach for the Aspirin. Bringing together terrorism, aliens, the White House, kidnappings, assassins, romance was like trying to fit the entire contents of the universe into a Ford Focus.
Biggest Scaremongers
Unsurprisingly, this is a joint award between The Daily Mail, The Sun and Sky News. If it wasn't Raoul Moat that was going to kill us all, it was the TREACHEROUS snow and ice. Or, perhaps it was going to be the ash from the Icelandic volcano. Or maybe it was going to be Swine Flu. In the end, most of us survived the year without being killed to death by an unlikely cause.
The Audley Harrison award for least appropriate job description
Kay Burley calling herself a journalist when basically all she does is ask inappropriate questions at inappropriate times and shouting louder with her own opinions than the person she is meant to be interviewing for their opinions on a matter they have more authority on. Still, comeuppance must be round the corner, hopefully it will involve some kind of big hammer.
Sporting Team of the Year
The England cricket team, followed by a considerable amount of daylight. From winning England's first ever World Cup at cricket to retaining the Ashes it has been a pretty perfect year for English cricket and with a relatively young team and home series' against Sri Lanka and India next summer, two of the top three teams in the world, 2011 could be even better.
Lookalike of the year
Michael Buble's resemblance to a gorilla expertly shaved to look like a passable human being in a variety of suits. I've seen less square-jawed human beings in videos at museums showing how the theory of evolution works.
Most versatile TV personality
Step forward Mr Phillip Schofield, the silver-haired fox that is more than welcome to root around in my rubbish bins any day of the week. Whether he was darting from a depressing story about rape to a discussion about the X Factor on This Morning or playing quizmaster/divorce enhancer on Celebrity Mr&Mrs or standing very very still on bizarre gameshow The Cube. Schofield could do just about everything in 2010, except handle his drink.
Person with the most punchable face in Britain award
There is no winner for the most prestige award on offer, just a list of candidates, who would you pick? Candidates include; Nick Clegg, Simon Cowell, Kay Burley, David Cameron, Peter Andre, John Terry, Wayne Rooney, Michael McIntyre, James Corden, Justin Bieber to name but ten.
Happy New Year all!
No comments:
Post a Comment