Britain’s Got Talent- ITV1- Saturdays @ 8pm- 5 out of 10

In more joyful times, ITV could go more than 4 months without a vehicle for Simon Cowell. Sadly, this is no longer the case so this week we welcomed back with (forced) open arms the happy-clappy (but sadly not slappy) Britain's Got Talent.

Sob as Take That's What About Now is dubbed over a fat Brummie who lost his toe in a pizza delivery accident. Laugh at a deluded Scouser who sings like a dog with its bollocks caught on an open can of Pedigree Chum. Count the number of facial expressions Amanda Holden can pull (it's three). Question the relevance of a civilisation that puts Piers Morgan on a show that has talent in its name.

Yes, you can do all this and more in this annual combination of laughing at people and yet still being able to come out of the end feeling good cos you supported that small child who was rubbish but had a good backstory, ya good person you. "Quick, dub some Keane
Somewhere Only We Know over the top of this" yell the producers as the kid tells the world his sad story.

Of course, this is the paradox of this show. It brings out all the things you want to feel from a TV show; laughter, sadness, curiosity and so on. And yet, you can openly laugh at someone who clearly is made of sterner stuff than you because they actually go on a show like this in front of so many people and perform, whilst you sit there guffawing at them. But the negative feeling you should be feeling about this concept is quickly offset by the fact you can claim that you are a good person because you felt bad after listening to the aforementioned sob story. Genius!

Anywho, aside from this and on to other points.

Firstly, will there come a point when there will indeed be no talent in Britain because of this show? Logic dictates that there is only a certain amount of talented people in the field of performing arts so the talent should all be hovered up soon, correct?

Secondly, what a lovely addition walking jolly magnet Louis Walsh was for a portion of the show. As incapable as he is at recognising talent, aside from singing, (he is to talent searching as I am to architectural surveying), his jolly smile lightens up any room, likewise the never wearisome Ant and Dec with their cheeky chappy faces that are half punchable half huggable.

Finally, more dancing dogs please. There's nothing I like more than entertainment that can also be construed as animal abuse. Oh and play some Coldplay over it so I don't feel to bad. Thanks.

Dan