The Value of Low Expectations

The one surprise was that we didn't take it to penalties to have our arses handed to us. And handed to us our arses indeed were. England's biggest ever World Cup Finals defeat. Humiliation, thy name is Joachim Low.

Even the elaborate 'Low Expectations' defence failed to work. To get round this, England launched a quasi-comeback that began with Upson's goal and ended with the third German goal, encompassing Lampard's 'goal' and the same player hitting the post. What this did was rouse my expectations into thinking "we can bloody well do this" but then dashed them in a cruel manner. A delightful new tactic developed by the England football team.

Ah yes, THAT 'goal', the motif that will dominate all of the papers tomorrow, not just the red-tops but the broadsheets too. The simple fact is, it shouldn't. As Lee Dixon (perhaps pundit of the tournament so far) rightly said on Match of the Day, it will just cover the up the cracks. We are not good enough and haven't been for at least 40 years now. We are a second rate footballing nation that has no right to go into any major tournament expecting to win it. We are on the same level as France and Spain, occasionally good enough but we only have a small number of trophies to show for it. The media should accept this but no, of course, hype sells.

It would appear, in this blogger's opinion, that the fault lies with the players. After the 2006 World Cup, Erikkson's laidback attitude to the team was criticised. Now, Capello is too authoritarian. The one constant feature? The players. Something just changes in them when they touch down in a host country and they cannot play together. Indeed, today it looked as if they had never even met each other. Where had the confidence from the qualifiers gone?

At this point, in my opinion, the clear solution is this. Ask Capello if he has any intention to stay longer than 2012. If not, get rid of him and get someone in who is. Then, a cull of this team is required, voluntarily or not. Get rid of James, Joe Cole, Heskey, Lampard, Ferdinand to start with. Bring in youth. Build a team with Adam Johnson and James Milner on the wings, Rooney up front, Hart in goal and say this is a long term project. If we don't qualify for Euro 2012, it's not the end of the world. Blood the youngsters and get them ready for 2014. A long term project with low expectations.


 

The Second Round, Not The Round of Bloody Sixteen

Just where has this World Cup gone? It's already 2/3s over in terms of games, over halfway in terms of days left and over half of the teams that started have gone home to vilification (France and Italy), jubilation (New Zealand) or torture chambers. (North Korea and possibly those dodgy Swiss)

Anywho, enough living in the past, onwards to the recent present and immediate future. Earlier today, Uruguay beat South Korea in a largely uninspiring game, save for that magnificent goal by Suazo, who got 49 goals in 50 games for Ajax last season, if you hadn't heard for the 1 millionth time! In other news, my new favourite team, Ghana, beat the US through two outstanding goals.

What I like about Ghana is they retain their identity, despite all the marketing and commercial bollocks the World Cup has now become, and are unafraid to show their raw emotions in victory or defeat. Note the running around with the Ghanaian flag at the end of today's game. Plus, this blogger's neighbour is Ghanaian and it's a joy to hear his celebrations at the final whistle. Although, on a sadder note, its disappointing to see the tactics of time wasting and feigning injury are present with the Black Stars.

Now, onto the big one tomorrow. I can't buy the optimism that surrounds the English media and the majority of fans right now. We squeezed through in a poor group, scoring only two goals and the team, albeit looked better in places on Wednesday, appear to have no confidence in their own belief that was so evident in the qualifiers. There are so many things that need to go our way; Rooney suddenly hitting form, Lampard showing up in a major, international competition for the first time since 2004, hoping Germany's inexperienced and young team are overawed and so on.

It's to say we don't have a chance but a lot of luck has to go our way and I personally will be going into the game tomorrow with a view that we will not be going further in this competition. Avoid disappointment by setting low goals ya see? I'll go a 2-1 win to the Germans and lots of xenophobic stereotypes in the red tops over the next three days.

Finally, my tips to win the thing, the ones that started badly but working their way to top gear: Spain who will play Brazil in the final in a match billed as the neutrals final but will descend into a farce full of diving and gamesmanship

Doctor Who- BBC1- Saturdays @ 6pm(ish)- 8 out of 10

What is the best way to continue the tremendous success set by a remarkable, epoch defining collaboration of an actor who made himself the character and a lead writer and producer who's fertile imagination kept old fans of the show and bought in new ones (including this blogger) at exactly the same time? Easy, cast a complete unknown in not one but both lead roles and give the role of lead writer and producer to a man best known for some below par BBC and ITV sitcoms at the turn of the decade.

Of course, this is being dreadfully unfair. Matt Smith was a particularly accomplished stage actor by the time Doctor Who came calling and Steven Moffat was recognised as Russell T Davies' natural successor after standing out as a writer in David Tennant's era as the Doctor. However, Tennant and Davies was still an absolutely massive act to follow and to fail was to potentially destroy a British institution.

Thankfully, this was not the case and Moffat and his team of writers have produced a steady, if not spectacular, opening series to their term behind the scenes whilst in front of the camera, Smith and Karen Gillian have proved a safe pair of hands, each bringing their own unique styles to differentiate themselves between their predecessors.

So, here are the first (and probably last) annual Our Somewhat Significant Opinions Doctor Who Award:

Best episode- With special mentions to The Eleventh Hour as a stellar introduction and The Lodger cos I love a good low budget episode that focuses on character development but we have a clear winner in the series finale The Big Bang. Moffat appeared to set himself a task in the first episode of this two parter that could only be solved cheesily, inconceivably or both but rose magnificently to the task to delver a simply stunning 55 minutes of television that got the balance absolutely spot on between special effects, emotional content, plot twists and a non-cheesy ending.

Best plot device- Rory. Put simply. His whole entire existence was to have a love-triangle between the Doctor, himself and Amy that was hardly ever used. Either have it and use it or just do the usual and leave it to our imaginations that the Doctor and his Companion are using the TARDIS furniture for other activities. Also, it's only a headfuck for the time being, it will be resolved as time goes on, but just why is the TARDIS exploding?

Biggest headfuck- Plenty to choose from, this is Doctor Who after all, but I'll pick one from left field. In The Lodger, why did Craig and Sophie always leave their door unlocked so people could get tricked by the 'old man' or 'small child' to come upstairs to the fake room? They should really lock their door; they do live in Colchester after all.

Best character- By a country mile (what is the difference between a country mile and a mile by the way?) it is the mysterious, amusing, strangely sexy but just completely compelling River Song. Yes, she was only in a handful of episodes but the intrigue and verve she bought to the show was a joy to behold and it is clear to see she will become a much more integral character to the show next series. Bravo Alex Kingston

Best guest star- With special mentions to James Corden, who bought a lovely, sweet touch to his character in The Lodger, and Toby Jones for his deliciously evil Dream Lord in Amy's Choice but this award goes to Tony Curran's near on perfect performance as Vincent Van Gogh in Vincent and the Doctor. Curran captured precisely what was asked him from the script and gave a masterclass in how to portray a troubled genius.

Best line- A simple one but "Bowties [fezzes] are cool."


 

James Corden’s World Cup Live- ITV1- Everyday @9.30pm- 6 out of 10

Roll up, roll up for the greatest display of attempting to copy an already successful format since Glee, Sky News and indeed this blog. This is Baddiel and Skinner's Fantasy Football-lite henceforth known as James Corden's World Cup Live. Using his amazing contacts with the England team, Corden sets forth to make a watch-able football show not seen since Baddiel and Skinner, obviously, and sadly, using his own style.

However, there is but one problem, Corden knows nothing about football, for starters, calling the German coach their captain. That's great thinking by ITV, we've got a man who knows nothing about football, so let's give him a TV show about football. Next week, a documentary on World War Two hosted by Melinda Messenger and Marvin from JLS with contributions from Jodie Marsh.

As can be expected, its all very much populist TV, a "come on England here" a dig at ze Germans here, kind of like a 45-minute broadcasting version of the Sun newspaper just not owned by Murdoch. Every now and then it works, usually depending on the guests and what they add to the whole thing. Its all very lowest common denominator.

The real issue is Corden who can be funny but at times over-the-top which doesn't work as a sole TV host. Give him someone next to him who knows what he's talking about. Get a bigger desk if you have to. Pull your fingers out producers! Or at least get him to be less of an arse and name-dropper by talking about his time hanging out with his England team mates. The little odd interview things with England players out playing golf or camping etc do work but Corden can be a right bum-licker with them, almost as if he's trying to bed them.

Meanwhile, operating as some kind of sidekick for Corden is Abbey Clancy (of having Peter Crouch inside her fame), a woman whose voice you want to broadcast to Martians to tell them to back the fuck off cos this is the kind of weapon we possess.

Despite all this, it is strangely compulsive viewing, perhaps because I'm a football fan and at this kind of year I want everything I can get my eyes on football-related. Oh and I am indeed supporting the "Back the Beard" campaign but that's because I'm lazy and shaving is a pain in the arse. Though I bet Corden won't do it else he'll have a beard down to his desk by July and that won't get him laid. The tit.


 

The Whole 19 Yards- ITV1- Saturdays @7pm- 5 out of 10

ITV Saturday night primetime slot, the Holy Grail for producers. From 'You've Been Framed' which finishes at 7pm to some drama type show at 9pm, there is two hours to fill which no producer has yet been able to fill properly.

What ITV appears to like doing is some kind of 'revolving door' meets 'Clark Kent's phone box' type system where shows go in and out and return slightly re-packaged than they were before. For example, 'Britain's Got Talent' is just 'X Factor' with the field of performing arts being thrown open wider. 'Take Me Out' was 'Blind Date' gone somehow more wrong, 'All Star Mr & Mrs' was 'Mr & Mrs' sprinkled with z-list celebrity star dust and 'The Cube' was a vision of the future world government where we must all undertake challenges in a Perspex box.

Which all brings me on neatly to the next game show attempting to fill this void, 'The Whole 19 Yards' which basically brings together 'Total Wipeout' but puts it indoors, not in Argentina and gives its contestants crotch-hugging outfits. Oh, and loveable everyman Richard Hammond is replaced by punchable Vernon Kay, this generation's Chris Tarrant, albeit a Northern one, but 'the-unquenchable-desire-to-host-gameshows' gene is mostly definitely present. Whilst his co-host is your bog standard, generic orange-skinned colloquialism addict in a tight, short dress.

What follows is a brief play-by-play of how the hour long show will unfold. Contestants introduced. First obstacle course revealed. Questions asked. Contestants tackle obstacle course when they are certain they know the answer to one of the questions. Commentator makes inane comments and laughs when contestant C falls over. Contestant A (usually male) reaches end of obstacle course first. Kay greets him like he is a long lost friend feared dead in the Amazon. Contestant A answers question. Orange sex-object in dress consoles losers. Repeat until one contestant is eliminated each round.

The questions are so fiendishly difficult that a man living in a cave, surviving off the moss of the walls and eating his own hair could answer them. Yes, I didn't know some of the answers. So what? Bugger off.

The finale consists of a bizarre spectacle where we find Kay on what appears to be horizontal stair lift with a big red buzzer attached haphazardly to it which moves away from the contestant at a speed which can only be recorded using a calendar. Anywho, the contestant has to answer five questions to win a cool hundred grand before the stair lift reaches the end of the 19 yards. So simple, man in cave or indeed I can understand it.

Overall, another fun way to spend an hour which you could otherwise be doing something constructive for humanity. Like writing a blog on how much you don't like something, something important to civilisation like that. I'm off for a cry now at my own hypocrisy. Til next time people!


 
Dan

Autistic Driving School- BBC3- Sunday 2nd May @9pm- 9 out of 10

In the past, this reviewer has been critical of BBC3 documentaries, describing them as "a slow boat ride down a river made of schadenfreude water with the same constant soundtrack of contemporary mainstream-indie music and b-list celebrity voiceovers replacing the sound of wind whispering through trees." The Beeb's adherence to this format is showcased in shows such as Blood, Sweat and Luxuries where the viewer is invited to a 'laugh-at-posh-teenagers-struggle-in-the-real-world' party. So, it was with some trepidation that the play button was clicked on iPlayer for Autistic Driving School.

But every so often it is good to be proven wrong and this is one of those times. Autistic Driving School is a genuinely sensitive, thoughtful documentary from beginning to end. It focuses on a number of young people with varying degrees of autism and how this impacts upon their learn capability to learn to drive and their driving abilities.

All have different kinds of autism. Some, like 17 year old Chris, who has semantic pragmatic disorder, has issues with perceptions of speed, the consequences of which are obvious with regard to driving. Sam, 19, has difficulty with words, particularly double meanings (such as wait and weight) and this leaves him struggling to cope with the theory element of the test.

Another, 17 year old Scott, who has dyslexia, ADHD and OCD struggles with issues of nerves and self esteem. His instructor Andy explains that he has all the natural ability in the world but his self confidence issues mean that he is mentally set up to fail.

All three of these young people pass their respective tests and it is at times like this that the sensitivity of the documentary is most noticeable. When the teenagers inform their parents of the results of their tests, the camera keeps a respectable distance at this emotional time.

The real star of the show, however, is Julia, one of only two autistic driving instructors in the UK. Julia suffers from Aspergers Syndrome and so finds communication and social skills difficult. Her explanations of how people with autism process things in their minds gives a superb insight into the difficulties that learning to drive brings. For example, you can't say "next left" or "straight over the roundabout" because they will be taken literally. Julia takes on a pupil who also has Aspergers and hasn't driven for 3 years due to a lack of confidence. The way in which Julia builds up her new pupils confidence on the road is one of the most heart-warming 5 minutes of television you will see this year.

Although Autistic Driving School has elements of BBC3 documentary-itis, such as the needless use of contemporary music, the pros easily over rule the cons. The interviewing style of people with autism is sensitive and engaging but not afraid to ask the difficult questions. Credit for this must go to interviewer, narrator, producer and director Osca Humprheys for a superb hour of television. Give it a watch.


Dan

Cemetery Junction- (15)- 9 out of 10

Let us begin with a confession. I do not like Ricky Gervais. I do not find him funny in anyway at all. Admittedly, Extras had it's moments I'll admit and I can appreciate the role The Office played in redefining the British sitcom but I just don't particularly like the man or his style of comedy. Furthermore, it seems that if you are from Reading you have to love him.

However, this is a genuinely funny, touching, moving film so my kudos must go to Gervais and writing partner Stephen Merchant, who I have always much preferred of the pair.

The movie documents the lives of three friends in a 1970s dead-end town and how their differing personalities potentially destroy their lifelong friendship. Freddie Taylor (Christian Cooke) discovers that there's more to life than shagging, drinking and fighting but then finding out there is also more to it than getting a 9-5, buying a house and wondering who the fuck you are in the morning to quote Trainspotting, which this film is very similar to, minus the heroin. Whilst another, Bruce (Tom Hughes), is very happy with what he has, basically being a big fish in a small pond, working in a factory in the week, getting pissed and laid at the weekend.

What is encapsulated perfectly is the feeling of growing up in a dead end town, whatever part of the country you are from. The fact that this reviewer is from Reading, the town Cemetery Junction is largely based on, only adds to the sense of trying to escape such a life.

Despite the stunning performances from Cooke and Hughes, the awesome soundtrack and the superb gritty, vintage style of filming, you just cannot escape the fact that the script is masterfully written and full kudos must go to Gervais and Merchant for producing something truly brilliant.

A highlight is the conversations held between the three generations of the Taylor family about racism, class, culture, identity are conversations that anyone that was 18 between the early 1970s to the present day can remember having with their own parents and grandparents.

Also, again from a personal standpoint, the characters are all very Reading, with very Reading accents, very Reading sayings, very Reading opinions and ultimately a very Reading (i.e. rather poor) sense of self worth in life.

Ultimately, Cemetery Junction has the potential to be one of the year's standout films and a springboard for a new assault on the film industry from Gervais and Merchant . If they can keep this up, my opinion of Gervais may change also.

PS. there is a place in Reading called Cemetery Junction but this of course adds to the metaphor of the title. Wonderful


Dan

Frank Skinner’s Opinionated- BBC2- Fridays @10pm- 8 out of 10

Back in the halcyon days of the 1990's when there was a post-Cold War hope for peace, a charismatic man in both the White House and Number 10 (Clinton and Blair, not Bush and Major!) and Cool Britannia TM, there was a show where two men sat on a sofa and spoke things. My dad liked it. My mum hated it. A youthful me, perhaps in shorts though hopefully not, had no idea what was going on. I probably wanted to watch Rugrats to be honest.

Fast forward 10 or 15 years and these two men have evolved beyond all recognition. From being accident architects of the lad culture of the 1990s, with their football banter and generally sexist jokes, David Baddiel has written a sensitive comedy about Jews and Muslims. Meanwhile, Frank Skinner has a radio show and this, Frank Skinner's Opinionated.

The style of the show is very similar to all of Skinner's television work, large on audience interaction, although there is now more of a chat show aspect where Skinner talks to his guests, usually comedians.

This is Skinner's first time back on TV for since he finished Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned back in 2005 and since then he long since evolved. He has a much more refined comedy technique, less reliance on sexist and controversial jokes. He has a very broad, diverse style of comedy ranging from current affairs to self-depreciation and all stops in between.

The studio looks remarkably like Question Time, likewise, the whole road show element where different cities play host every week. The content, however, is not quite Question Time. Despite promising more current affairs based comedy, politics is usually used as a spring board for anecdotes from the three comedians.

Every so often however, genuinely interesting subjects are raised. In the first episode, elocution and class are covered, as well as plastic surgery. What makes the show work is the deliberate placing of people with knowledge in these areas in the audience. For example, they had a woman with the world record for most number of plastic surgeries, which prompted intelligent, thoughtful and yes at times, humorous, comments from the host, his guests and the audience.

This reviewer has often been critical of the number of current affairs based comedy shows on the BBC at the minute but this is a genuinely new approach to a format that should be applauded and a great showcase for Skinner's talent that is properly blossoming as his career goes on.

Marco’s Kitchen Burnout- ITV1- Fridays @ 9pm- 7 out of 10

Chefs. Don't you love angry ones. Ones that can multi-task. Ones that can cook, appear on TV, shout at people and swear like a sailor all at the same time, like a drunk man at a fancy dress party. My personal favourite is Marco Pierre White and his show, egotistically titled Marco's Kitchen Burnout.

Basically, what happens is three people (I refuse to call them celebrities on grounds of honesty) are let into White's restaurant to cook for regular punters. This time around, the three untrained chefs are comedian Jason Byrne (who somehow is given that job title without being funny), 'actress 'Debra Stevenson and professional wife of a football manager Nancy Dell'Olio who resembles a disenfranchised hawk. Stuffed with botox.

But of course the real star is White himself, who we find wearing a scarf that occasionally becomes headwear for some reason only known to Marco himself, although it does make him look a bit like a younger, less walnut-like Keith Richards.

Marco really is a scary example of a human being who shouts and goads like an insane man awaiting the arrival of a bus whilst completely oblivious to the fact he is stood next to a tree and not a bus stop. "How's my sea bream?! How's my sea bream?! How's my sea bream?! Table one! Table one! Table one! " he exclaims at no-one in particular.

The show is narrated by Alexander Armstrong, who I imagine sat in some kind of Blaine-esque Perspex box over the action, commenting on it like it's a bizarre kind of social experiment where people are subjected to torture by kitchen at the hands of a merciless chef, which is basically what this show is in fact.

The series consists of a series of heats, cos the show is called Marco's Kitchen Burnout. Get it? Yeah I did too, sadly. Continuing the semantic field, there are a lot of fires in the kitchen, although that might be more to do with the contestants cookery skills.

For their main challenge, contestants get to pick out ingredients from a mobile larder type thing (basically the fruit and veg aisle in Tesco, just in the back of a truck). The fact that three people, without training, can pick out enough variety of food for making 3 course meals for 24 people is rather impressive, or perhaps not strictly accurate. Surely they have professional help, for health and safety reasons at the very least.

Anywho, after the three contestants serve, and don't kill the customers, Marco gives them a score out of 100 and the two highest advance through to endure more torture sessions before an inevitable breakdown culminating in one of them committing the ultimate sin using a spatula. But they won't broadcast that. Cowards.


Dan

Britain’s Got Talent- ITV1- Saturdays @ 8pm- 5 out of 10

In more joyful times, ITV could go more than 4 months without a vehicle for Simon Cowell. Sadly, this is no longer the case so this week we welcomed back with (forced) open arms the happy-clappy (but sadly not slappy) Britain's Got Talent.

Sob as Take That's What About Now is dubbed over a fat Brummie who lost his toe in a pizza delivery accident. Laugh at a deluded Scouser who sings like a dog with its bollocks caught on an open can of Pedigree Chum. Count the number of facial expressions Amanda Holden can pull (it's three). Question the relevance of a civilisation that puts Piers Morgan on a show that has talent in its name.

Yes, you can do all this and more in this annual combination of laughing at people and yet still being able to come out of the end feeling good cos you supported that small child who was rubbish but had a good backstory, ya good person you. "Quick, dub some Keane
Somewhere Only We Know over the top of this" yell the producers as the kid tells the world his sad story.

Of course, this is the paradox of this show. It brings out all the things you want to feel from a TV show; laughter, sadness, curiosity and so on. And yet, you can openly laugh at someone who clearly is made of sterner stuff than you because they actually go on a show like this in front of so many people and perform, whilst you sit there guffawing at them. But the negative feeling you should be feeling about this concept is quickly offset by the fact you can claim that you are a good person because you felt bad after listening to the aforementioned sob story. Genius!

Anywho, aside from this and on to other points.

Firstly, will there come a point when there will indeed be no talent in Britain because of this show? Logic dictates that there is only a certain amount of talented people in the field of performing arts so the talent should all be hovered up soon, correct?

Secondly, what a lovely addition walking jolly magnet Louis Walsh was for a portion of the show. As incapable as he is at recognising talent, aside from singing, (he is to talent searching as I am to architectural surveying), his jolly smile lightens up any room, likewise the never wearisome Ant and Dec with their cheeky chappy faces that are half punchable half huggable.

Finally, more dancing dogs please. There's nothing I like more than entertainment that can also be construed as animal abuse. Oh and play some Coldplay over it so I don't feel to bad. Thanks.

Dan