Most Annoying People 2010- BBC3- 4 out of 10

Dictionairy.com defines irony as “a manner of organizing a work so as to give full expression to contradictory or complementary impulses, attitudes, etc., esp. as a means of indicating detachment from a subject, theme, or emotion. “

Or, if you prefer 150 minutes of a visual description, check out BBC3’s ‘Most Annoying People 2010’ in which the most annoying people of 2010 are counted down with inputs from, and here’s the irony, a range of talking heads who are MORE annoying than the people they are having a go at.

From Big Brother contestants, to no name comedians, to Jedward, to countless vapid, air-headed celebrity ‘journalists’ from magazines called Heat and Star and Now and Hello and Toilet Paper and Arse Gravy, it’s a sea of the untalented expressing their anger at the talented and the small things they do that annoy them. It’s even narrated by Richard Bacon, a man so devoid of personality and charm he can only just about get a show on ITV4 on a frigging weekday.

One celebrity journo says “Peaches Geldof has done nothing with her life.” This coming from a person whose job pretty much solely involves writing about how one idiot may be going out with another moron and then snap them falling out of a club together with their clothes torn and vomit down their fronts. Stones and glass houses my friend?

You have to wonder what kind of universe these people live in, where their biggest concerns in the whole world are Lady Gaga’s dress sense, Tiger Woods’ infidelity and Kristen Stewart being a depressive star. Still, keeps everyone’s mind off our impending doom I guess. Heat magazine, the opiate of the masses.

Thankfully, some of the talking heads are funny or insightful such as the hilariously insane Rich Fulcher, the underrated (and owner of the biggest nose in the world) David Schneider, the Irish named but not-Irish born Mickey Flanagan and the surprisingly intelligent Maggot and Eggsy from Goldie Lookin’ Chain.

It’s all a lovely recap of 2010 but in a soft news kind of way, like looking at the news through a Daily Star kaleidoscope (patent pending) where bankers and politicians that royally screwed us all over are slowly airbrushed out of our collective memories to be replaced with anger at people that don’t really matter.  Jedward and Lindsay Lohan are more annoying than Tony Hayward, what?!

Oh, and one of the other irritating things about ‘Most Annoying People’ is its length. Weighing in at a mammoth 150 minutes long and appearing on the BBC causes many problems, as do any programmes that last longer than 90 minutes on the BBC, lack of breaks for natural, bodily functions. Every 45 minutes or so, a three minute blank screen should be broadcast to allow one to go for a whizz or make a cup of tea or have an extreme quickie or whatever. Just a thought.

The Somewhat Significant Awards 2010

Hello and welcome to the inaugural (and probably last and only ever) Somewhat Significant Awards. The basic format of this will be that I'll remember something from 2010 (which isn't a lot as I was drunk or working nights for most of it) and I'll attach a sarcastic award to it. These awards will cover literally anything that I can remember so will mainly be stuff that has happened in the last six-and-a-half minutes. Enjoy.


The Mighty Boosh Award for comedy series that may have overstayed it's welcome

Jointly awarded (I dunno we'll saw the trophy in half or summink) to Peep Show and The Inbetweeners. Peep Show appears to have run its course with season 7 with the writers struggling to make Mark and Jez's transformations into true adulthood really work or be funny. Meanwhile, The Inbetweeners slid from identifiable for many teenagers (the perfect antidote to the laughably outrageous Skins) to just simply being reliant on tall girls, protruding testicles and the word 'clunge' for laughs. Hi-larious.


Comedic Line of the Year

No real contest here, screw all your comedies and comedians. Step forward, Mr Joe Wilkes, Pugwash News' Sports Editor. Upon being presented with my Secret Santa present of a book on sportswriting and a condom, his response was: "Dan's got me a book to read and a condom which I'll probably just look at." Still makes me smile to this day.


The John Terry/Wayne Rooney award for making an entire sector of society look bad by association

The student that threw the fire extinguisher off the roof of Millbank, thus providing a defining image for the right-wing media to concentrate on and to focus attention away from the point of the protests by painting all protesters with the same tarred brush. All the arguments for and against raising tuition fees were instantly brushed under the rug. Thanks Edward Wollard, you great big tit. On a similar note, can the Socialist Workers Party please fuck right off rather than infiltrating popular protests to promote their rightly forlorn movement?


The Joseph Heller award for worst Catch-22 to be found in

The winner by a clear mile here, everyone's favourite lightening rod for Tory hate, Nick Clegg. Caught between the devil (Gordown Brown) and the deep blue sea (the Tory party) following the elections, Cleggy had to jump into bed with one of them and either way, in the words Kilroy, he was shafted. Side with Labour and then the second and third most popular parties in the election would win, go with Tories and you'd be joined at the hip with the party you have nothing in common with. Clegg went for the latter and went from being an Obama-lite figure to public enemy number one, no mean feat in just six months.


Mindfuck of the Year

From headachingly bizarre General Election graphics on all the news channels to every idiot's favourite film (me included), Inception, 2010 has certainly been a year for mindfucks. But perhaps the biggest one was the continuing TV appearances of Katie Price and Kerry Katona who have a grand total of three brain cells between them and are less likely to say something insightful than a cucumber with a face crudely drawn on it.


The Danyl Johnson award for X Factor contestant coming to a pub near you soon

Following Johnson's appearance at the Oakford Social Club in Reading (not as a singer mind, just a pubgoer) the next to befall this fate will probably be Wagner looking for a girl with a working vagina to woo with his creepy Brazilian technique or Katie who will continue her slow descent into a delusional madness coma by drinking lots and lots of Fruli beer before throwing up into her equally mad drinking partner's hair. This partner being Gillian McKeith.


Biggest Waste of an Half Hour

A close run thing this one, with E4's Phoneshop (which had all the laughs of a night spent with Gordon Brown discussing vinegar) coming a close second. But, just pipping it, was my walk to the polling station back in May to vote Lib Dem. A better use of my half hour would have been to frolic about in my proletariat filth like I'm meant to.


The Lost award for most pointless, drawn-out US TV import

Pretty much a no-contest here, Channel 4's The Event promised intrigue and excitement. What it gave was a storyline so convoluted that it would cause the people that cracked the Enigma Code to reach for the Aspirin. Bringing together terrorism, aliens, the White House, kidnappings, assassins, romance was like trying to fit the entire contents of the universe into a Ford Focus.


Biggest Scaremongers

Unsurprisingly, this is a joint award between The Daily Mail, The Sun and Sky News. If it wasn't Raoul Moat that was going to kill us all, it was the TREACHEROUS snow and ice. Or, perhaps it was going to be the ash from the Icelandic volcano. Or maybe it was going to be Swine Flu. In the end, most of us survived the year without being killed to death by an unlikely cause.


The Audley Harrison award for least appropriate job description

Kay Burley calling herself a journalist when basically all she does is ask inappropriate questions at inappropriate times and shouting louder with her own opinions than the person she is meant to be interviewing for their opinions on a matter they have more authority on. Still, comeuppance must be round the corner, hopefully it will involve some kind of big hammer.


Sporting Team of the Year

The England cricket team, followed by a considerable amount of daylight. From winning England's first ever World Cup at cricket to retaining the Ashes it has been a pretty perfect year for English cricket and with a relatively young team and home series' against Sri Lanka and India next summer, two of the top three teams in the world, 2011 could be even better.


Lookalike of the year

Michael Buble's resemblance to a gorilla expertly shaved to look like a passable human being in a variety of suits. I've seen less square-jawed human beings in videos at museums showing how the theory of evolution works.


Most versatile TV personality

Step forward Mr Phillip Schofield, the silver-haired fox that is more than welcome to root around in my rubbish bins any day of the week. Whether he was darting from a depressing story about rape to a discussion about the X Factor on This Morning or playing quizmaster/divorce enhancer on Celebrity Mr&Mrs or standing very very still on bizarre gameshow The Cube. Schofield could do just about everything in 2010, except handle his drink.


Person with the most punchable face in Britain award

There is no winner for the most prestige award on offer, just a list of candidates, who would you pick? Candidates include; Nick Clegg, Simon Cowell, Kay Burley, David Cameron, Peter Andre, John Terry, Wayne Rooney, Michael McIntyre, James Corden, Justin Bieber to name but ten.


Happy New Year all!

Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 1- 12A- 9 out of 10

As some of you may know, I edit the Arts & Entertainment section for the University of Portsmouth's student rag, Pugwash News, duly plugged. Anywho, when the seventh and penultimate Harry Potter film came out, my deputy editor submitted a review giving it 10 out of 10 saying "Jesus would bow down to this movie."

Now for some context, at the beginning of the year, we (by which I mean the A&E team) agreed that only the Second Coming would get a 10/10 review. However, I could see where my deputy was coming from with this rating.

Harry Potter has been such a huge part of the lives of our generation for so long. From the first book to this, the second from last film, it has been the defining cultural product of the past decade. It has guided us through all of the pitfalls of growing up, first day at a new school, first kiss, first fights with friends, first relationships, first break ups. It has covered everything for us, except sex of course, despite the fact wizard sex would be absolutely awesome, no "well-that's-never-happened-before" situations with wizard sex I'll bet.

So, going in to this film, expectations were as high as a stoner atop a skyscraper and we all know the equation that expectation=disappointment. Thankfully, however, once in a while expectations can be met. This film is very good.

Of course, to anyone who has read the book, the dark plot will be familiar. This is the darkest book of the lot with our three heroes abandoning Hogwarts to go, essentially on the run. This has given the film series a much needed change of scenery as the corridors of Hogwarts are replaced with some truly stunning British landscapes, from forests to lakes to coastlines.

From the beautiful locations used to shoot the out-and-about scenes to the perfectly lighted indoor scenes, in terms of directorship, this film is just perfect. Reflecting the generally dark aspect of the book, a lot of the film is shot darkly.

The issue with many of the past films has been the acting. Not the overall cast, that has always been exception with the best of the best British acting talent being utilised. Bill Nighy is the latest big name to be cast and naturally, he is super, as Rufus Scrimgeour, under-fire Minister of Magic. Elsewhere, Ralph Fiennes and Helena Bonham-Carter put in customary excellent turns as Lord Voldemort and Bellatrix Lestrange. No, the issue of acting in the past has been the younger actors. This is no longer an issue.

Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint and Emma Watson have all come of age as acting talents, particularly Grint. The increasing tension, both emotionally and indeed sexually, between the trio is portrayed perfectly. Yes some lines over acted but that's to be expected in a film branding itself 'the most important film event of this generation'.

This Potter film combines some many different elements of filmmaking just perfectly. Witness the tender moments, such as Harry and Hermione's dance together. Witness the funny moments, the seven Harrys. Witness the action moments, from the flight from the Dursley's house to the climactic scene at Malfoy's mansion. Witness the emotional moments, Dobby's death. All effortlessly put together in a single two and a half hour package.

It says a lot when my one issue with the film is that it doesn't follow the plot line of the book to the letter but that is impossible to achieve as otherwise the film would be about ten hours long. And yes, the plot of the film still works so that is not too big of a problem.

Overall, this latest film in the series just left me incapable of waiting until July for the final chapter when not just the film, but an era really, comes to an end.

Re-reviewed- The Event @ 9pm- Channel 4- 3 out of 10

Back on Saturday 23^rd October (although it seems like yesterday, where does the time go eh?) I said this about The Event " The basic plot, from what I can work out so far, is that people-looking aliens (representing terrorists), are locked up in an Alaskan military prison (representing Guantanamo Bay), until President Martinez (representing Obama) decides to release them."

Now, in the 7 episodes since then, a lot has happened, some relevant, some irrelevant, some possibly relevant, some possibly irrelevant. The simple fact of the matter is, anybody without a PhD at the very least, has lost all track of this show. Even its Wikipedia page lacks a plot synopsis for Gawd's sake!

Characters appear and disappear, often leaving for episodes at a time. Vice President Jarvis, hitherto such a peripheral character that he may well have not existed, now turns out to be a central character. And now he's dead! Double you, tee, eff?!

Storylines disappear and then come back. There appears to be a three layers to the plot; one involving the White/FBI/Intelligence Services, the next involving the conspiracy between the aliens and the shady organisation looking to hide their identity and the last is the Sean/Leila storyline being chased by said shady organisation. The issue being with these storylines is that they are so broad that it's impossible to fit all of them into one 40 minute episode.

Therefore, each episode focuses on particular strand, with small references to the others. Unless you have the memory of a particularly attentive elephant, The Event is impossible to follow. Little events may well prove to be important but no one can then remember when they happened. Was there a change of tie that the President was wearing? Did Director Sterling's spectacles change? Will this prove to be important?

Furthermore, the Event is just completely unrealistic. What kind of car can drive from Arizona to Texas in a day? How can a car-bomb turn up at the exact spot where the VP escapes from after his betrayal to the shady organisation? How can surgery on a gun wound in a back street occur and the doctor performing it say "You're gonna be alright."?

It's almost as if the show's writers are trying to be too clever with the show, in a similar way to Lost, and are digging themselves into a bigger and bigger hole. There is going to have to be a whole lot of explaining and clarifying to do to salvage what was once a promising show.

Meet The Parents @9.30pm- E4- 2 out of 10

Bloody hell, where to start with this huge pile of steaming sub-par excuse for television entertaintment? Let's start with the premise I suppose.

The idea of the show is that a girl takes her boyfriend to go meet her parents for the first time, a terrifying experience anyway, but, hey, let's make it even worse for these poor saps. Let's replace the girlfriend's family with actors and put the lad in horrendously, cringey situations. If he can survive five hours in the family home, he wins a holiday to an unspecified destination, Butlins before it closes perhaps.

Standby for an incredibly long list of criticisms.

Firstly, if I had been going out with a girl for eight months and I had not met her family, that's not the best pretext

Secondly, if I had been going out with a girl for eight months, a fair amount of time, and it looked as if it was a long lasting relationship, I'd be pretty hacked off if she thought it would be a jolly jape to fuck around with the first meeting with the potential in-laws. I'd probably be within my rights to tell her to bugger off after the show has finished and go on that Butlins holiday on my own and get an STD while I'm there.

Thirdly, if you are going to create these awkward cringey situations, at least make them appear believable to anyone with more than three brain cells. The gardener getting off with the mum? The hippy sister? The uptight, headmaster of a father? These are characters and situations from a sub-MTV (whisper it, sub-4 Music?) sitcom, and even in that they wouldn't be at all believable.

Fourthly, giving a young woman, who may well be in love with their boyfriend, the incentive for a holiday at the expense of the humiliation of their other half smacks a bit of exploitation. Perhaps welcomed exploitation but it appears to be taking advantage of a young woman by bribing her without thinking of the potential damage it can do to her relationship

Right, what else can I pick holes in about this show? The acting is at about the level of Hollyoaks, the voiceover man builds everything up beyond belief. Even the bloody font of the little countdown clock gets on my nerves.

Overall, whilst not having the best ethical grounding, this show could have worked if done properly. Instead, it's been put together to be as over-the-top as possible and rather than the situations the boyfriends are in being cringey, the whole show is one great big toe-curler.

The Myth of the Anfield Atmosphere

If you say something loud enough, often enough and for long enough, a large number of people will begin to believe what you are saying is fact. Take note of the 'Birther' movement in the US post-Obama's election and most other conservative rhetoric.

However, this does not mean what you are saying is correct, which brings me neatly on to the subject of the world famous Anfield atmosphere generated by the fans of Liverpool FC and indeed the British media.

We've all heard it before; "another superb atmosphere on a European night here at Anfield" says the commentator. "The Kop are in full voice tonight" replies the analyst. And at times they are correct, most vividly in European ties like against Olympiakos, Juventus and Chelsea in 2005, Chelsea again in 2007 and Real Madrid in 2008. In ties like this, it is clear to see the atmosphere played a part in creating what were incredible European nights at Anfleld.

What's the running theme in all of these games? They were all against either big European teams or must-wins matches that were easy to be psyched up for from a fan's viewpoint. Fans of Reading (even probably Chelsea) would create a superb atmosphere for games like that for God's sake.

But when it comes to games like tonight's against Napoli, you could hear a pin drop for large swathes of the first half and it was only the introduction of Steven Gerrard at half time that galvanised the Kop. And when smaller Premiership teams go for 'their big day out' at Anfield, the atmosphere is no different to any other ground, i.e. largely determined on how well the home team is playing.

I'm not saying the Anfield atmosphere is below average. There are some times when I'm sure it makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end but there are tonnes of times I've felt this at the Madejski Stadium, a ground not at all known for its amazing atmosphere.

Perhaps, in the past (way before my time) Anfield was a unique place to experience football but equally, this view seems somewhat out of date now where it is largely a benign atmosphere, heavily reliant on stimulus from the players and only truly outstanding in important games.

On not being able to see your team play every week

On not being able to see your team play every week

Going to university has taught me many things; shorthand, media law, Harvard APA referencing, how to live with people, just how big a knobhead landlords can be, how to make shepherd's pie and the value of a tactical chunder being but some of the highlights.

But one of the biggest lifestyle changes has been the realisation you can't get to see your football team play every week. From having a season ticket and going to the odd away game, lack of money leads to seeing a maximum of five games a season.

Furthermore, being a fan of a team outside the top flight means you become reliant on sources other than TV to get information on your team. With maybe three games on TV at most throughout they year, these other sources become your best friends.

For example, today, for the epic Reading-Doncaster game, I had on the go the BBC live updates, Sky Sports Scorecentre for results updates and live tables, the Reading official site for live text updates and Reading FC forum Hob Nob Anyone? for comment, flicking between each whilst attempting to work on the student paper at the same time.

The best part of this is, unlike watching on TV with other people, you are in your own little world when following the game, becoming engrossed in it while others go about their business around you. So, when something exciting happens, like Reading's comeback from 3-1 down to 4-3 win today, you genuinely frighten people when you punch the air for no particular reason.

Don't get me wrong, being there would have trumped that feeling by a long, long way but the other thing university has taught me is to make the most of what you can get.

The Event- Fridays @ 10pm- Channel 4- 6 out of 10

Not everything that is advertised to death is very good, PhoneShop on E4 probably being the best example ever. But then again, dramas that are really heavily advertised can deliver, like Downton Abbey, or so I'm told at least, I can't watch it as I own a penis.

(Incidentally, every time I saw the advert for The Event, it made me think of the post-apocalyptic quiz show in That Mitchell and Webb Look which made me involuntarily laugh when said advert came on, or maybe I was just laughing at the pomposity of the stupid ad.)

Moving on, The Event is kind of like a cross between Lost (although that maybe due to the presence of an airplane) and the movie Vantage Point. Action flicks between the views of different characters and at different points in time, ranging from going back 66 years in the past to 10 minutes.

The basic plot, from what I can work out so far, is that people-looking aliens (representing terrorists), are locked up in an Alaskan military prison (representing Guantanamo Bay), until President Martinez (representing Obama) decides to release them.

But, before his announcement, a plane almost flies into the Presidential retreat (which looks nothing like Chequers) but is diverted by a big bubble, or something that looks like a big bubble anyway. The plan ends up in an Arizona desert and then the mindfuck gets really intense.

What follows is a woman in a bikini, some guns, another woman in a bikini, some guns on a plane, a shirtless man, some guns in a hospital, a topless man with a broken arm all thrown in with dollops of CONSPIRACY and SUSPENSE and INTRIGUE.

Suffice to say, the show is interesting at the very least but it's also desperately unrealistic. Case in point, I'm fairly sure a car cannot follow in the path of a jet engine without getting blown away and I'm also quite sure that when a plane crashes in a desert, not everyone will survive (all of them are dead by the end of second episode though).

Some of the acting can be a bit on the wooden side and some of the plotlines are yet to convince but the opening two episodes have laid a good foundation for what will hopefully be a show that develops as it goes on.

The Inbetweeners- (Just over) Mid-Season Review- 7 out of 10

The true secret of the successful sitcom is longevity and it's a secret that the British comedy scene has largely failed to crack. The number of British sitcoms to remain consistently top quality past about four series is depressingly few in number compared to their American counterparts.

For one reason or another, British sitcoms do not seem to be able to retain their originality and humour for too long, with the notable exception of Peep Show. Sadly, The Inbetweeners seems to be following this trend.

For me, the issue is popularity. Once a show gets 'big-time' it tends to have the habit of taking its core viewers (the ones who made it popular in the first place) for granted whilst it goes off looking for more support by being more outrageous than before. This appears to be the problem with The Inbetweeners.

What started out as a very realistic of depiction of sixth form life (well, it was for me at least), the 'anti-Skins' if you prefer, has become more and more desperate to keep that realism but in doing so it's become something of a parody of itself. The end of old episodes had believable gross-out scenes but increasingly, every episode in this series ends in a gross-out scene that is more and more unrealistic (and usually sees Simon without clothes on).

Meanwhile, there is a distinct lack of character development; Jay is still boasting of his fake sexual exploits (which is a shame after the tender side we saw of him in the final episode of Series 2), Neil is still plodding along with no real character growth and only the occasional awesome one-liner to show for it whilst Will lacks a love interest to chase so he is left being a rather boring character. Simon is the only character to evolve this series, through his relationship with Tara, but he now appears to be back to square one, i.e. loser chasing after the unreachable girl (Carli).

However, that is not to say that the series hasn't been funny. Not by a long stretch. Despite starting off slowly, the series has really come to strength, in terms of humour, in the last two episodes.

The episode of the double cinema date and Neil's 18^th is certainly a classic (note Jay's boast before getting on a motorbike "My dad used to drink with Lance Armstrong" and the superb end scene of Will's 'break-up' with Kerry) whilst last night's episode was superb with genuine laugh out loud moments.

It was good to see some of the realism that got me watching the show was back in place again and Simon's "tactical wank" and failure to get wood was simply amazingly funny. And how can you forget the scene on the doorstep of Tara's sister house, with Will explaining why he won't be going to Warwick Uni and why Simon and Tara are really at the house. Painful but hugely humorous.

Overall, it will be interesting to see what the last two episodes bring to the party. Hopefully they will be set us up well for a strong fourth series and not a renewal of the initial slow decline.

What My First Day As A London Commuter Has Taught Me

Well, today was my first day as a proper out-of-town to the capital commuter. Reading to Teddington via Twickenham. Alright, it's hardly Soho or the City or Fleet Street but it's a start. Besides, FourFourTwo magazine is the biggest publication I've worked at in my fledgling career (and I include the last issue of Pugwash's massive distribution in that).

Being a person that has never really lived before, the amount of times I've been to London can be counted on the fingers of one hand, even if said hand had once been put through some kind of farm equipment and was left without the full complement of digits.

As a result, I'm still rather new to the whole working in London thing and so some things still raffle baffle or amuse my simple, less urban mind.

Firstly, fold-up bicycles. ALOL. Has fashion and environmental consciousness ever been so further apart? They look like trombones when folded up and paper imitations of bicycles when unfolded. And the smug look on their owners faces? Bugger off. I can save the environment by not looking like a twat. It's called walking and it's free. Jog on, so to speak.

Secondly, and this is more a public transport in general kind of thing, why can't there be lanes in railway stations, like motorway lanes. For example, you can have old couple, slow walking man on phone and tourist on the slower lane, then fast walkers in the middle lane and people running to catch their trains or "VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO RUN EVERYWHERE BECAUSE THEY ARE SO IMPORTANT" in the outside lane. Simples, n'est pas?

Thirdly, working on your lunch break. This used to be an alien concept to me, much like having sex with your socks on or watching a show with Fearne Cotton in it. Sadly, and thankfully, only working during my lunch hour has now become familiar to me. Well, I've done it toady but I don't like it!

Lastly, the token man running for a train. Usually a source of amusement for me, not today. Today, it was me. I ran and I ran, bulldozing women with shopping on the way as I went, like a sweaty hippo in a green hoodie.

Oh how things can change. Even in a day.