"Wettest drought I've ever seen" lolz

‘Begin self-aware rant’

You may have noticed that it’s been a little bit wet these last few days. You may also have noticed that there is currently a hosepipe ban and we are in the middle of a drought that has been declared in most parts of the England.

Cue many insightful people putting the highly amusing Tweet or Facebook status along the lines of “wettest drought I’ve ever seen” implying all droughts should be accompanied by ‘mad-dogs and Englishmen’ levels of heat. Ho ho. How we all chuckled at such a pithy jest at the situation we currently find ourselves in; there is lots of rain but no water for us to use. Oh the paradox and so on.

But no, just no.

A drought is defined as an extended period of dry weather (unless it’s used in a football context when it’s just another cliché in the lexicon) and that’s exactly what we are in, despite the rather wet April we have experienced so far. A drought doesn’t have to be synonymous with heat.

The reason we are in a drought is due to “two consecutive winters of below average rainfall which has led to exceptionally low river flows and groundwater levels across much of England”, to quote this website. A higher than average amount of rainfall in one month isn’t going to sort out this problem for reasons explained below. But first, a metaphor break.

It’s a bit like pouring out a near full glass of vodka, adding a smidgeon of coke and remarking “well blow me down, this is a bit strong, I thought this was a vodka and coke” when actually what you have is just vodka really with that tiny bit of coke that isn’t going to alleviate the rather large initial problem that you have way too much vodka/not enough groundwater.

It takes a long while to refill the groundwater aquifer (go learning about the water cycle every year at school from Year 1 to Year 12), particularly when some areas of England have their lowest groundwater levels in 50 years as water does not go straight into the ground, particularly in cities where it runs off of concrete, into our drains and back into the rivers. This is even before you go into the issues of stupid privatised water companies/ the regulator Offwat losing up to 3,300,000,000 litres of water a day through leaky pipes.

The increase in rain has eased the problems but with summer coming up (where there is less rain in the other months, madly), the reason for pre-emptive decisions is pretty solid; after all, what’s a hosepipe ban now to prevent something like a flush ration (I’ve not idea if this is a real thing) later on?

So, there’s my sledgehammer taken to the walnut of an off-hand remark seen on social media sites. Move along.

‘Cease self-aware rant’