How the Internet suppresses me #153

John Lennon once sang that we’re kept “doped with religion and sex and TV”. If we take those three tools of suppression in chronological order, which makes a degree of sense to my mind, then the natural extension would be add to “the Internet” to this line in the song.

Naturally, this would involve re-writing a classic but I’m sure I wouldn’t do as bad a job at bastardising it as some of the cover versions have. Just check out some of the names on this list. The Academy Is…? Really?

Anyway, if I’ve managed to retain your attention, there is a point to the above digression and that is that the sheer amount of offerings on the Internet (or Internetz if you’re that way inclined. Or t’Internetz if you’re inclined that way) to take up your whole day that you won’t even have time to even put together some groundwork ideas on your plan to become a working class hero.

The focus of this blog post this evening is a concept that has existed for some fifty years (starting out bizarrely as an idea associated with golf)but has become more entrenched thanks to the user friendly element the Internet has given it.

It splits (mostly) male friends, family members, co-workers as they compete week in, week out against both each other and against the whole, entire world. The most popular site has over 2.5 million registered players on it this year. People spend hours tinkering and fine tuning their creations for optimum efficiency. It is a game but, like the real thing upon which it is based, it can be more important than that.

Yes, I am talking about Fantasy Football.

It’s like the British equivalent of the “fantasy draft” in the USA where, as I understand it, it’s an incredibly nerdy thing to do but totally socially acceptable for anyone to do it (if you are in ownership of a penis). Maybe because it involves sport; staying up all night playing FIFA is ok but do the same thing with a Legend of Zelda game and kiss goodbye to your hard earned social status, freak.

It might also be because deep, deep down, we’re already secretly thrilled that we can have an imaginary piece of control over some pixels and bytes and hyperlinks that represent millionaires. “Ha! Take that Rooney you rich bastard, I’m dropping you. Who’s the loser now, huh? Oh, oh right” *cries in the foetal position*

Anwho, it’s the simplicity which draws you in and the complexity which keeps you hooked as you spend hours thinking what is the best line up you can have for next weekend’s round of games. Endless permeations from who is injured or suspended to who is in form to what the fixtures are to the cost of potential signings.

Then you can bring in the cast iron ‘laws’ of football like a player going back to his old club will ALWAYS score or the sod’s law that if you drop a player that is underperforming, he’ll pick up points as soon as you get rid of him. All these factors and more must be considered before even attempting to alter your team.
For example, just today I've considered dropping Luis Suarez but I'm convinced he'll start scoring points as soon as I drop him. After pondering this for an hour or so, I take a look at my midfield quartet of Bale-Van der Vaart- Toure- Ramsey and wonder how I could improve this. Perhaps if I take out Doyle and Ramsey, I could tinker with a better striker? But what effect will that have on the midfield I ask myself. And on and on  and on.

Before you know it, you’ve spent your entire day in the office staring at one webpage and your chance for career advancement/ the opportunity of finally asking Emma from accounts out for a drink/ going to the water cooler to chat about the funny things the penguins did on Frozen Planet last night have all passed you by this day.

 But it doesn’t matter because you’ve put together the perfect team for this week’s round of fixtures. And then, you realise, it’s Man City Vs Chelsea this week and you’ve got Cech in goal and Aguero up front.

Bollocks.

Tomorrow on ways the Internet suppresses my urge to change the world and fight the man and whatnot; the effect of Wikipedia on the fact nerd.