Four talent shows ideas for ITV primetime

At the start of the decade, talent shows were the sole property of failing social clubs and pubs; a desperate alternative to a raffle to raise some cash to fix the roof or repair the urinal in the men’s room or to make a fully fledged ladies bathroom.

Nowadays, they are the new reality shows for TV; cheap, cheerful and clogging the airwaves of terrestrial channels like fat in the arteries of a McDonalds addict.

They come in two distinct flavours; the first features people who have appeared in the gossip pages of tabloids (no need to apply the word ‘celebrity’ here but that’s their defining feature; exaggeration; of the standing of the competitors, of the complexity of the tasks they perform, of the whiteness of the smile of everyone, all exaggerated).

The second involves ordinary people showing off their talent (or wares) to a panel of judges begging for approval with the hope of winning a prize that will further their career and give them a living in the profession. A fantastic example of how society has moved on from a time when better off people played God with the futures of desperate lower classes...

Anywho, the latest ITV creations of this format come in the forms of Penn and Teller: Fool Us and Show me the Funny which must have been pitched by the same producers who use the ‘Find and Replace’ tool on Microsoft Word a lot. Basically, the only differences are the presenters, the judges, the prize and the fact that magicians perform in the former, comedians in the latter. Similarly, BBC3 ran more shows of this kind last year where they sought to find Britain’s best young butcher or mechanic or fellatio exponent (only two of those three are true).

Using this formula, here are four more template talent shows that ITV can have, free of charge from me (not really, I’d want at this least 24 pence, a Boost bar and a Peroni-branded beer glass).

1.    1. 'Pork sword sculptors'

Judged by a panel of MPs (for the hell of it), Ross Kemp seeks to find the best sculptors of medieval weapons from meat products. The competitors have 15 minutes to make their creations, with no bug spray allowed, before the judges deduce who has the best chicken shield, turkey mace or indeed, pork sword. Winners have their products dispalyed in Reading Museum for a week before it all gets a bit smelly.

2.   2. 'I-spy'

A series of wannabe spies show off their various methods of espionage and ways of getting hold of confidential information with the aim of getting a job in the Russian secret service. It will be judged by various members of a major media corporation (executives with red, curly hair, that sort of thing) who know this area inside out but need new exponents of the arts, hosted by David Cameron who has no idea what is going in the show but his PR guy said it might get some public support back.

3.  3. 'Britain’s most incompetent'

A kind of anti-talent show where contestants attempt to do various extraordinary talents but fail magnificently for the pure entertainment value. Points are awarded for cramming in diverse acts into one performance, for example, singing and gymnastics at the same time. Judges include notables failures like John Darwin, George Bush Jnr and Kerry Katona. Winners prize; their own Youtube channel.

4.  4. 'Football bore'

Gary Lineker hosts the longest show ever recorded by man where various keepie-uppie experts from across Britain compete to who can do this act for the longest amount of time. Broadcast nonstop, the judges (consisting of Wayne Rooney, John Terry and, the brains of the panel, a banana with a crudely-drawn face on it) can do whatever they like to distract the contestants using the contents of a bag of randomly chosen products from Tesco. Fee for advertising slots in the breaks? About a quid. The winner receives some sleep and a ticket to one night with Imogen Thomas.